Fearless Wonder

Trial run of a fashion update. I'm chronicling my attempts to gain a sense of fashion here rather than trying to present myself as some sort of expert.

Extreme Blog Makeover

2011-03-11T20:07:00.000-08:00

Time to give the ole blog a make-over. It realized that the blog was still dressed in all black, like me in middle school. Maybe it was harboring those harsh, self-absorbed, nazel gazing, immature attitudes as well. Time for girly, happy and fresh!

In other news...
The deadly duo of First Year Teacher/Grad School student tried to chew me up and spit me out yet I have survived and thrived. Still a few more months to go. With a lot of hard work I just might make it. (It helps that I love my students...SOOOOOO cute.)

Nothing much to report on the spiritual front. No time to philosophize these days. Becoming a teacher made me realize my happiness relies more on me being engaged and active. Thinking and pondering (read Obsessing) about the meaning of life leads to depression and confusion.

Meditation and mindfulness on the other hand are still extremely essential and important. I regret letting them slip from my life the last few semesters. I have been going back to the local meditation centers on the weekend, reading a bit of the ole Thich Nhat Han before bedtime and trying to breath in and be happy a little bit every day. It's making a a difference.

I've become a little bit more fashionable these days. I'm realizing that the clothes make the Ann and help bolster my confidence. I'm thinking of sidelining the spiritual focus of this blog and turning it into a fashion/cooking/lifestyle blog once I am out of graduate school. I'll throw in a lil sum'n sum'n to stir up religious debate every now and then when I am feeling spicy. Otherwise I think I'd like to focus more on hobbies that have me doing/making something rather than thinking about things. I also need a section devoted to all the hilarious and cute things my students do and say.

I don't have any fashion/cooking/lifestyle picture to post as of yet. In the meantime here is a very fashionable science experiment for you. I love the color scheme.

Bye Bye

Out of the Frying Pan and into the Fire

2010-07-05T15:54:00.000-07:00

On June 15 I got a letter in the mail stating that my name had officially been removed from the membership rolls of the Seventh-Day Adventist church per my request. It was a nice form letter, very respectful of my choice, and I give the church kudos for it.

So, just a few short days latter the General Conference of Seventh-Day Adventists rolled into my town, and so did many friends and family members, some from ages past. Of course I had to go to the GC. You don't often get the chance to catch up with so many people from various stages of your life. That part was wonderful. The exhibit hall was wonderful too, with lots of color and sound and pretty display booths, many which were promoting amazing things like health outreach, ministry to the poor (Go ADRA!!) and general "light unto the world" kind of stuff. I went to the first weekend's Sabbath service with a family member who was staying with us. The Sabbath School was fairly uplifting and it reminded us to really live life rather than being tied to our Blackberries (or in my case, the iphone) They the proceeded to point out a lot of really good things the SDA church is doing.

I actually was hoping to pop in again during the next week but Grad School and the job hunt got in the way. The second set of family staying with us slept late and went down on their own the second Sabbath. I headed down to try and meet some old friends and I did say hello to a couple of folks, but it was too crowded to catch many people at that time. I headed home, but not before passing through the CNN center food court where a LOT of Adventists had chosen to buy their lunch (I giggled as I watched them breaking the Sabbath)

It wasn't till after the GC was over and I had a chance to read the new GC presidents sermon that I was reminded why I no longer choose to be Seventh-Day Adventist. However that doesn't mean I knock the church as a whole. I see it as any other well-meaning institution. It is capable of much good and beauty with all of its flaws. The good parts of it still challenge me to be a better person. If I were to denigrate it based on bitter feelings I would be the one loosing out.

Thanks, SDA church, for helping me to refine who I am. I wish I could share some of what I've learned with you as well, but there isn't a place for that within your institution yet. And that is why I am not an Adventist.

On Teaching and Church

2010-05-02T13:23:00.000-07:00

So I never finished that big post I was working on. It took on a life of it's own and got away from me.

In the meantime, here is this thought to ponder...

In my education courses we learn that GREAT teachers give their student strategies to help them engage in higher-level thinking, make connections and examine things critically. They help them to learn to be independent and intrinsically motivated. In other words they don't stand at the board lecturing their students for an hour, but rather create an environment where students can learn, explore, question and create.

This progressive model of teaching needs to make its way into the church. I find that even in most progressive learning churches the emphasis is still on the song service and a sermon.

I've already written about my issues with most modern church music, so let me just focus on the sermon.

According to the best teaching pedagogy today, teachers should give a 10-15 minute INTERACTIVE mini-lesson and leave the rest of the time for the class to engage in activities to help them construct their own knowledge.

This should apply to sermons as well. It would mean less people would tune out, more would engage with the material, and greater opporunities for community building could happen in the activities after the "mini-sermon"

Rather than having adult Sunday/Sabbath school groups come before the sermon could serve as a launching point for the small groups and each group could have different activities/discussions based on the needs of the congregation. (In education we call this Differentiated Instruction)

Thats all for now.

(Yes, I am in the middle of writing my final paper for Grad School on an ideal literacy curriculum.)

Place Holder

2010-04-25T08:04:00.001-07:00

I am still working on a rather long post right now, but in the meantime I think this poem bears reposting.

Please Call Me By My True Names
by Thich Nhat Hanh

Don't say that I will depart tomorrow --
even today I am still arriving.

Look deeply: every second I am arriving
to be a bud on a Spring branch,
to be a tiny bird, with still-fragile wings,
learning to sing in my new nest,
to be a caterpillar in the heart of a flower,
to be a jewel hiding itself in a stone.

I still arrive, in order to laugh and to cry,
to fear and to hope.

The rhythm of my heart is the birth and death
of all that is alive.

I am the mayfly metamorphosing
on the surface of the river.
And I am the bird
that swoops down to swallow the mayfly.

I am the frog swimming happily
in the clear water of a pond.
And I am the grass-snake
that silently feeds itself on the frog.

I am the child in Uganda, all skin and bones,
my legs as thin as bamboo sticks.
And I am the arms merchant,
selling deadly weapons to Uganda.

I am the twelve-year-old girl,
refugee on a small boat,
who throws herself into the ocean
after being raped by a sea pirate.
And I am the pirate,
my heart not yet capable
of seeing and loving.

I am a member of the politburo,
with plenty of power in my hands.
And I am the man who has to pay
his "debt of blood" to my people
dying slowly in a forced-labor camp.

My joy is like Spring, so warm
it makes flowers bloom all over the Earth.
My pain is like a river of tears,
so vast it fills the four oceans.

Please call me by my true names,
so I can hear all my cries and my laughter at once,
so I can see that my joy and pain are one.

Please call me by my true names,
so I can wake up,
and so the door of my heart
can be left open,
the door of compassion.

~Thich Nhat Hanh

Adoption

2010-04-17T14:42:00.000-07:00

For many years now I've felt that if I had children I would adopt. I need to finish grad school first and we need to move into a bigger place but if we can manage I think we will adopt. Today I took a look at some websites and ran a search to look at kids. I started tearing up almost immediately. I especially feel sad when I think about the kids that no one will adopt, like older children, minorities, disabled children and sets of siblings.

As a teacher I know some the realities that come with raising children. I've been exposed to children with special needs and difficult backgrounds. Although I have many weaknesses as a human being I think this is something I could do. However I also think this is something many more people could do, but they are not willing to open their hearts or take the risk. If I don't end up living up to my ideals in a few years I think it will be a very sad thing.

I wish more people would consider adoption. I hear a lot of people say that they will adopt if they cannot have children of their own, but why only start there? Why not adopt regardless. As far as I know I a not infertile but I still would rather adopt a child who needs a loving home than bring another human being into an overcrowded world.

Of course I am not immune to the charms of babies. I would love to have a baby, but so would everyone else. Babies get adopted easily. It's the older children who are left longing for a home. For me this touches my heart more than the idea of holding my own baby.

I've already written that I feel motherhood is an essentially selfish endeavor and I guess adopting would be selfish for me in some ways. I want a child to take to the zoo, buy cute clothes for, cuddle with and laugh with. However with adoption, as you allow your heart to open to a child, you are filling a need in their life too.

Of course I have many friends with their own children, and I don't disrespect them. In fact I think their kids are terrific and adorable. However, it is easier for me to respect these friends because I know them to be very giving people in other areas of their lives and I know they will teach their children to do the same. I guess I really only disrespect people who live entirely for themselves and their families and don't work to serve the broader community and world.

I would like to push people a little more towards adoption. I've heard a number of people who haven't adopted say, "It takes a special heart." I think this is foolish. I just think it takes a willing heart.

I like your style...

2010-04-15T14:47:00.000-07:00

For the record, still agnostic, but I might be a reverent agnostic. (ala AJ Jacobs)
I went to two Easter services (a Saturday night easter vigil and a Sunday morning service.) They were both at Episcopal churches and I have to say, "Episcopals, I like your style." I know all the reasons Adventists reject such ceremony, but I have to say you loose some of the reverence when you take out the ceremony. (and substitute it with cheesy CCM and 70's style sanctuaries.)

I've been thinking about joining a church again. I miss that feeling of being part of a larger community with potlucks, families, music (not CCM) all about me. The last "church" we were apart of was full of really good people and some forward thinking pastors, but it was the whole "Jesus is my Boyfriend" music that I couldn't get into. I feel like the old hymns leave room for some unknowing wonder in their lyrics. I've also noticed that a lot of liberal churches have traditional services while many conservative churches have embraced a contemporary service. I wonder why this is???

Anyway, I'm not sure where I am going with all this. We'll see if I even get around to waking up early enough on the weekends to go anywhere.

Later...

The Secrets of the Rich

2010-04-10T09:18:00.000-07:00

I just wrote a paper about my experiences with the refugee lady I tutored. I had to critically analyze her situation and mine and make comparisons. Then I realized I am in another situation I have not analyzed. That of the rich. Did you know that rich people get free stuff? I did not. I always thought they just had more money and that is why they had so much stuff. But no!
My husband and I were two ordinary folks by American standards. My family is middle class and his wavered between middle,working and poor. Now the two of us find ourselves in Buckhead, Atlanta. Buckhead is one of the richest neighborhoods in Atlanta. My husband took a job at a good company and we moved into the lower tiers of a pricey condo. (We are renting a one-bedroom) While we ourselves are not rich, we live with some very rich people. Businesses around here want these rich people to spend their money at their stores and restaurants, so they give people in our condo free stuff to entice them. We were recently treated to a huge spread of food from all the local restaurants. I also got a free gift card awhile back for the North Face. My husband's company is located in a ritzy office tower. Because of this he got a free haircut and a bunch of products from a local men's salon. There are numerous other example I could give. Back when we were living in a duplex in Tennessee I can assure you we were not getting this kind of high quality free stuff. I guess if I became rich and famous I might get all sorts of free goodies. Then I could save my money, invest it and get wealthier still.
Right now so many charitable organizations in our country are struggling to make ends meet. The next time we get some free stuff maybe I should counter balance it with a donation to Refugee Family Services or ADRA.

Music

2010-04-08T15:57:00.000-07:00

Music

by Anne Porter
(I first heard this Poem on the wonderful Writer's Almanac)

When I was a child
I once sat sobbing on the floor
Beside my mother's piano
As she played and sang
For there was in her singing
A shy yet solemn glory
My smallness could not hold

And when I was asked
Why I was crying
I had no words for it
I only shook my head
And went on crying

Why is it that music
At its most beautiful
Opens a wound in us
An ache a desolation
Deep as a homesickness
For some far-off
And half-forgotten country

I've never understood
Why this is so

Bur there's an ancient legend
From the other side of the world
That gives away the secret
Of this mysterious sorrow

For centuries on centuries
We have been wandering
But we were made for Paradise
As deer for the forest

And when music comes to us
With its heavenly beauty
It brings us desolation
For when we hear it
We half remember
That lost native country

We dimly remember the fields
Their fragrant windswept clover
The birdsongs in the orchards
The wild white violets in the moss
By the transparent streams

And shining at the heart of it
Is the longed-for beauty
Of the One who waits for us
Who will always wait for us
In those radiant meadows

Yet also came to live with us
And wanders where we wander.

2010-04-06T08:57:00.001-07:00

A really wonderful person is dying of cancer. She is an awesome woman I met in Korea. She was SUPER energetic, loving, giving and made my experience there worthwhile. She was part of my women's Bible Study group THE HUNGRY TEAM (Named because we ate a lot together) After I left some missionary friends took over The Hungry Team from me and this lady was baptised. I took out some pictures I had of her today and cried. I am leaving the photos out so I don't forget to think of her daily. When someone is so far away and it has been so many years it is hard to always keep them in your thoughts. I hope to make contact with her again soon. She is to young to be facing this and has many people who love and depend on her. Part of me wants to draw some conclusion about this or make some connection between this and the Easter services I attended this weekend. For now though I will just let it be and focus on what I can do to strengthen and support this wonderful person during her time of need.

Penguins and the Big Bang

2010-03-12T17:42:00.001-08:00

I have become a neophyte science geek. When I started my journey away from Adventism I didn't realize I would become a nerd. Initially all my thinking was wrapped up around moral and spiritual questions. As I became more comfortable in my own semi-buddhist agnostic skin an unintended side-effect took place.

I blame it on The March of the Penguins. I saw this movie with my Kindergarteners. Without my creationist goggles on I really started to marvel at how the penguins came to be. I researched penguins for quite awhile afterwards. Then I started researching amphibians for a thematic unit. I must have watched thisvideo of the Surinam Toad over and over again. Sooo gross but soooo cool!

Next I blame auto-tune. For some reason I was watching videos that had been auto-tuned and I came across this one with Carl Sagan and Stephen Hawking. Funny but strangely moving. Then i started reading about the vastness of space and the galaxies and the big bang.

Radio Lab has been providing with a good crash course in current and curious scientific thinking.

Basically I am awakening to life. Before I was afraid to look at these things to closely because I heard it could make you loose your faith. Now I want to learn everything I can. I am even thinking about taking more science classes after my master's degree.

I have always been a little socially awkward, but I was never really into science. Now I might finally be a card carrying member of the nerd brigade. But that is okay. I'm loving it!

On a side note...
I think it's sad that the God we see in the Bible feels the need to bully Job with His superiority, rather than answering his questions. (ie Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Tell me, if you know so much.)

Motherhood

2010-02-07T10:20:00.000-08:00

I needed a break from my lesson planning so I decided to pick up my long neglected blog.
First off to all the mothers out there I am not writing this as a criticism of you. I am sure you have settled these issues for yourselves, but I haven't.

I have been told that couples who choose not to have children are selfish because they spend all their money, time etc on themselves where couples who have children give to their children.

Honestly I feel that having a child is just as selfish as not having a child. Basically there are millions of unwanted children and suffering people in the world who we could be helping, but instead we choose to have children to add more love to our own lives. We do everything we can to give them every possible advantage and in doing so waste natural resources and contribute to the problem of global warming and pollution. Meanwhile we throw a few pennies here and there to a charity to ease our conscience. The children we raise repeat the cycle, either lavishing the majority of their resources on their own children or themselves. Basically we are just extending the realm of selfishness to include our families as well as ourselves.

In my opinion if we are going to raise children unselfishly we should raise them to be change agents, people who strive to make a difference in the world. Giving them all the best toys and clothes and opportunities teaches them that those things are what are important. Instead we should make social and environmental justice the primary values in our families. That way we can break the cycle of selfishness that seems to run through our bloodlines.

A question...

2009-12-14T06:28:00.001-08:00

For my Christian friends. What is unique about Jesus? What would following Jesus do that no other path can do?

You Yourself Must Strive

2009-12-13T17:42:00.000-08:00

"You yourself must strive. The Buddhas only point the way."
I have been thinking about this lately. At times I have tried to use Buddhism in the same way I used Christianity. I was expecting a miracle without effort. I need to remember that this is a practice. You practice to improve. The other night I had insomnia and was listening to a Thich Nhat Han audiobook to relax. My husband came in an accidentally knocked into something. The insomnia brain instantly charged up again and the worry and anxiety started rolling. I also became incredibly angry. I was also a little mad at Thich Nhat Han. Grrrr! Why didn't his magical monk voice stop me from getting angry?

Also, there have been a couple of times, after meditating where I have had panic attacks. Why didn't the magical meditations stop the panic attacks.
Usually if I am calm before I meditate I don't have a panic attack afterwards, however sometimes I would experience anxiety and meditate to make it go away. In doing that I was forgetting that a big part of meditation is dealing with those strong emotions. Buddhism isn't about suppression of emotions and thoughts. It is about acknowledging them, accepting them, caring tenderly for them and letting them go when they are ready. I was trying to use meditation to mask the issues or force them out.

I started avoiding meditation because I feared it was causing these emotions. Now when I think about it, meditation can be a safe place to let these emotions come up. Then you can lovingly and caringly deal with them. I have used meditation as a way to care for myself before. I guess the perfectionist side of me and superstitious side of me wanted me to be free of all bad emotions. But that is not realisitc.

Thank You teachers

2009-11-30T12:16:00.000-08:00

From the Buddhist perspective you ought to view harmful and irritating things as teachers.

Thank you to my right wing teachers.

You made me realize, as I became angry with you, that I do not want to be angry as you are.

I need to return to the way of peace and meditation.

Thank you

2009-11-30T08:35:00.001-08:00

So apparently just because I think that there are good Muslim people in the world I therefore must also hate America. Also apparently I also learned that even though Jesus ate with prostitutes and tax collectors, eating with Muslims would just be asking to much.

The things you learn when you talk to right wingers.

2009-11-23T17:57:00.000-08:00

Do we miss our chance to be happy here because we are always wishing for heaven?

100% chance of Theravada Buddhism?

2009-11-21T15:52:00.000-08:00

So I took the Belief-o-Matic quiz on BeliefNet and I have a 100% chance of being a Theravada Buddhist...99% chance of being a Mahyana Buddhist followed by a close third with Unitarian Universalist.

Only a 41% chance of being an Adventist. and 21% chance of being a Jehovah's Witness I think....

The Narrative of Loss

2009-10-31T11:00:00.000-07:00

Someone who I admire died recently, leaving behind a young family and a gaping hole in their community. This person helped me and many others even though they didn't have too. In some cases they were helping people because they were trying to fix wrongs that they did not commit, but had inherited. This person could have said, "That's not my problem. That happened before my time." but they didn't. They truly lived their beliefs in the best possible way. The funeral was the saddest I had ever been to, but at the same time I was inspired to live more fully.

But the story isn't supposed to end this way.

This was an Adventist funeral. The preacher spoke of "our hope in Jesus."

This person who died and who I so admire had once sent me a CD to try and persuade me of Jesus and discourage my interest in Buddhism. I was and am truly grateful for their care for my soul.

This story is supposed to end up with me coming back to Jesus as a testimony to his power in this person's life and of the power of God to bring beauty from ashes.

I am supposed to write a letter to the family to let them know that I was saved because of the one they lost.

But the CD still remains full of weak arguments...
and the pastor who spoke at the funeral happened to be the same one who once painted a picture of God that I knew I could never believe in.

It is a human tendency to draw the events of life into a narrative about ourselves. But I am nothing in the face of the this terrible loss. It seems cheap, or strange or cruel to say these events were woven together to form my salvation story. There is a great, huge, gaping hole in a family and a community. How can anything make up for that? In time the comfort of friends and family and the beauties of life will heal the wound, but nothing can replace what has been lost.

Yet, I am glad the family can find comfort in the narrative of Jesus and the second coming.
I am also glad that this person who died, and many others were shaped so positively by the narrative of Jesus.
I don't want our experiences to stand at war with each other. I want to honor what was good, worthy and true about this person's life.

Can I honor this person fully without sharing their narrative?

2009-10-30T18:27:00.001-07:00

Do people believe because they are determined to do so?

Whoa!

2009-09-18T16:26:00.000-07:00

Wait...this all means I am now one of those "godless liberals." Whoa! Hadn't thought about it in those terms before.

2009-09-04T12:27:00.000-07:00

I miss the people at Buckhead, but it feels too weird to be at church when you don't believe anymore. Even our open minded Sunday night gathering is starting to feel weird to me. What is the solution?

Eating SDA Style

2009-07-10T15:47:00.000-07:00

(This is an essay I wrote for part of a Cultural Memoir Assignment)

One former Adventist friend of mine always says, “It was the table that fed me” in referring to our shared Seventh-day Adventist background. My friend was referring to the morals, values and spirituality of Seventh-day Adventism that we still hold onto, even though we disagree with the Church in many ways. I, however, can’t help but think of feeding in the literal sense. Seventh-day Adventism did truely feed us, but in very unusual ways.
Seventh-day Adventists have something they refer to as the “Health Message.” Just like the Mormons we have our very own prophet, only she was a woman and not a polygamist. Ellen White encouraged healthy living and vegetarianism in the Seventh-day Adventist church. In many ways this has been a blessing to the church. Adventists who follow the health message are some of the longest living folks in the nation. On the other hand it has brought a spirit of legalistic infighting over food, and culturally separated Adventists from the rest of the country. Other beliefs have separated us as well but food is one of the most prominent. Looking back though I only remember a little of the infighting and legalism and I mainly remember all the food we ate and the ways we ate it.
I grew up eating fake meat out of a can. There were choplets, nu-meat, scallops, fri-chick, linkets, big franks, vega-links, prime steaks, turketts and many more. Along with canned meat there were also many frozen delights that could be fried up such as stripples and prosauge. (aka Fake Bacon and Sausage). These products usually came from just two companies, either Loma Linda/Worthington or Cedar Lake. These are both vegetarian meat companies associated with the Seventh-day Adventist Church.
When I went to SDA boarding school the Cedar Lake Company was right next-door. When I was a girl I would go to the big SDA Camp Meeting in Grand Ledge, Michigan and stay in my grandmother’s motor home with my grandma, aunt and cousins. Grandma would take us to the Worthington or Cedar Lake display tents where we could sample many varieties of canned meaty goodness. . I loved walking from both to both and trying all the samples.
Grandma’s house on a Saturday night meant popcorn with Lowry’s Seasoning Salt, little to no butter, and fruit Salad. With this sacred meal we would close out the Sabbath. My mom, who considers herself a bit of a rebel, always made popcorn with lots of salt and butter, and gave us plenty of junk food as well. Grandma, however, was a saint of the church, and only provided us with the holiest of snacks. As I grew up I discovered that fruit salad and popcorn was a well know Saturday night phenomenon among most of my SDA friends.
Another prominent Adventist food is Special K Loaf. This is the vegetarian equivalent of meatloaf. It is made with cottage cheese, Special K cereal, eggs, walnuts, and Lipton’s onion soup mix. As I child I was forced to eat this when we went to visit my grandmother. To me it is the equivalent of brown mush, but I have other SDA friends who claim to like it. If you go to a church pot-luck this item will be on the menu without fail.
Another Adventist food tradition is called Haystacks. When Adventists have company it is the meal of choice. It is basically a do-it-yourself vegetarian Taco salad, only most Adventists don’t put out guacamole and only put out a mild salsa. This is probably because Ellen White wrote about the morally damaging effects of spices. However, I think the church may be falling into apostasy because later in college I noticed more people were adding guacamole and hot salsa to the menu. I am sure Ellen White is rolling in her grave.
Mrs. White (as she is usually referred to by SDA’s) singled out Mustard in her writings as an especially dangerous spice, and thus in the college cafeteria at Southern Adventist University (my alma mater), they only served a fake mustard. Her warnings against milk and cheese went unheeded though, because these items could be found in abundance. There were plenty of dairy substitutes available however. I think the reason for the fake mustard was to appease conservative donors to the school. In my “rebellious” household we ate mustard, so I had to find ways to sneak it into the cafeteria if I wanted to enjoy my sandwiches. The cafeteria also had the hypocritical practice of staying open on the Sabbath and making it’s students workers sign up for two Sabbaths a month of work. (SDA’s are not supposed to work on the Sabbath, unless they are doing something critical like nursing.) They said that this was so that the school could feed the students, but a ton of community members came in for Sabbath lunch. (The college I went to was the center of a large SDA community) Sabbath lunch was actually a big money maker for the cafeteria. Apparently it was okay to eat out on the Sabbath as long as it was in a sanctioned SDA facility.
I grew up going to an SDA church that was located on a college campus but not an SDA campus. The University Seventh-day Adventist Church, was blessed because it was located on the campus of Michigan State University. This meant many of our members were international graduate and doctoral students. They brought with them the culinary expertise of their native countries. Also, the native Michiganders in our church tended to be little wealthier and more cosmopolitan, and were a little more creative in the kitchen. When I went to my grandmother’s country church it was all green beans, potatoes and cheese formed into a variety of overcooked casseroles. I think a lot of this was due to the fact it was a Midwestern country church, not strictly because it was SDA, but American SDA’s in general are not very skilled cooks. Our vegetarian tradition, unlike that of the Hindus and Buddhists is fairly recent and hasn’t had the chance to break out of its Midwestern roots.
One beautiful tradition in the church is Sabbath dinner. Unlike some other Christians, shopping and going out to eat is somewhat verboten in the SDA church (unless it is an approved SDA facility, of course) Now things are changing and more people are going out to eat on Sabbath, but when I was growing up it wasn’t so. Either your family shared a special Sabbath meal together or you went over to another church member’s home. My family usually had spaghetti, broccoli, really really garlicky garlic break and Welches grape juice (the Adventist alternative to wine). This was always a wonderful time to come together as a family and as a community.
Until I was thirty, Welches grape juice was as close to wine as I got. Adventists don’t drink alcohol, nor do they associate much with people who do drink. This had led to a widespread misperception in the church that anyone who drinks will immediately become an alcoholic and be led into a life of debauchery, drunkenness, and wild living. The idea that some people go out to a bar to have a couple of drinks, talk with friends, then go home is foreign to Seventh-day Adventists. I have told my parents that I have meditated at a Buddhist temple, and that I don’t believe in a literal interpretation of the Bible but I am not ready to tell them that I occasionally drink. This, above anything else, would worry them.
Today I am still vegetarian at home, and only eat meat if I am going out to eat, or if there is turkey on Thanksgiving. I even stop by the Adventist grocery store near Chattanooga to pick up cans of veggie meat. I drink occasionally, but because I only broke with church teachings a few years ago I never went through that crazy college phase of drinking. In a many ways I am glad that the SDA church kept me healthy. I value that upbringing, even though I disagree with some of the ways it’s beliefs have been applied. I think that in order to make peace with the cultural you were raised in you have to learn to appreciate all the good it did bring to your life, to laugh at what is laughable and to not stress over the things that annoyed you. I have tried to do this with Seventh-Day Adventism. I hope that the church knows I still think fondly of her, and all her canned veggie meat.

I would just like to say I am...

2009-06-27T20:55:00.000-07:00

Agnostic

Thank you
Good night

What exactly does Jesus do?

2009-06-04T19:00:00.000-07:00

So you run into this problem if you step outside of Adventist/Christian circles. You discover people from all backgrounds who are really moral, kind, nice, giving, noble and in fact seem better than a lot of Adventists/Christians that you know.
(I say Adventist/Christian because some Adventist tend to think of even other Christians as bit less holy)

I do not intended to write about how we are just sooooo judgemental about those not like ourselves. Instead I want to look at the questions that the existence of good Non-Adventist/Non-Christian people raises in regards to the role of Jesus.

So.... "the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." So does my Muslim friend who embodies all of these qualities has the Holy Spirit? No? Some Christians would agree, others not so much.

Lets say she is given the opportunity to accept Christ, and instead remains loyal to Islam? Do all her Spirit filled qualities fade away? If she retains those qualities, after rejecting Christ, what does that mean? I have a number of former SDA friends who are non-believers now, and yet still continue to be moral people. Is their separation from God eventually going to transform them into violent, drunken, wanton criminals. (I am looking at you Brian ;)

Are good people who are not Adventist/Christian just relying on their own goodness, their own works? If they experienced the grace of God would they be transformed to a whole new level?

Now let's take a look at people who have accepted Christ. I know some Christians who are missing a few qualities such as "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." In fact some would lean more towards being violent, drunken, wanton criminals. They accepted Christ, so why didn't he work his magic in their lives? Why didn't he transform them? If Jesus were some kind of magic wand then anyone who accepted him would be transformed. However, many who accept him are never transformed, and many who never accept him are.

Some Christians would argue that such people are saved, not matter what they do because of that acceptance of Christ. Others (hint hint SDAs) would say that by their un-Christlike behavior they are actually rejecting Christ and will loose their salvation unless they repent, daily, or even hourly/minutely. (side note: I tried this hourly repenting thing and it is a terrible way for a perfectionist/depressive person to live. Constantly reminding myself how I failed to live up to Christ's holy standard only made me paralyzed)

What I am really trying to nail down here is why I need Jesus. A good many people seem to think I do, but I really don't see what he is going to do for me.
I know I need love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. But I believe that being shown and practicing these things is what transforms me. I don't think they are the result of some magical bean sprouting inside my heart. I think Christians who are transformed for the better, are transformed because they are in community with others who practice the "fruits of the spirit" and they themselves practice as well. They give all the credit to God, but it is themselves and their community who deserve the credit.

If I choose to continue to call myself a Christian, it will be because I am practicing in the way of Jesus, and I have faith that the example he set can transform.

Now I know some might ask, where love, joy peace and such come from if not from God. To be honest, I don't know. Maybe they are the positive fruits of human evolution (Not to downplay the many negative fruits) and if they are then I choose to practice them because I can tangibly see how they benefit my life and the lives of those around me.

Another possibility I see is that there is something people call God/Jesus, which runs through the fabric of the universe and is the source of love. Mind you I have issues with a being who would allow all the suffering here on earth. However, if this is true, I think God allows all people to practice and be transformed by love and wouldn't expect them to wave some superstitious Jesus wand over their heads before they could be "saved"

I'm glad to be blogging again. Stay tuned for more.

No more fight left in me.

2009-05-03T12:55:00.001-07:00

What I really wanted was a fight. That is one reason why I stopped writing this blog and why I locked it. I realized I was trying to pick a fight. I was hoping someone would challenge me with the same false arguments I have heard before, and that I would be able to rip them to pieces. I had a lot of bitterness towards the way I was brought up to believe. I wanted to win a fight with the people who still believed that way. Why? So I could feel better about myself. So I could feel right? Who knows. But as much as I honestly tried to explore my spiritual questions and ideas there was a part of me longing to pick a fight. I had a lot of good motives for this blog. It opened up really honest conversations between me and a lot of people. It gave me a chance to put down what I had been thinking. It let me know that even people with different views than me are still loving and interesting in learning and growing together, but still, some where in my heart, I had the fantasy of intellectually ripping apart some fundamentalist SDA commentor.

Yet, when I was presented with some pretty easily ripped apart arguments, I found I didn't have the will to be nasty, or even break the arguments apart. I didn't have the energy for a theological tit for tat. I knew my problems with their arugments but I didn't feel like trying to prove them wrong. When faced with the opportunity for a fight, all the fight left me.

Also I have discovered that some people are endowed with invincible ignorance. Like a certain person who told me that they "love' Muslims but they can't argree with their religion because the Qur'an has all that "violence" in it. When I tried point out that the Bible has it's fair share of God endorsed violence it was like talking to a brick wall. 1+1 does not equal two in their world. They were content to believe what they believed. This person didn't even bother with a counter argument.
Why throw myself up against that brick wall. You can't get people to think if they don't want to.

Lately though I have been missing blogging. I really have needed to sort out all thoughts that have been flying around my head. So I am going to restart with blog with new intentions. I am going to use it go put my thoughts down and explore ideas. I'll try to avoid putting forth arguments inteneded to provoke a fight. I am not saying I won't write controversial stuff. There is lots of controversial stuff I am still wrestling with. I am saying that I won't put forth ideas with the intent to provoke a fight.

I have gained a lot more from the honest and loving conversations I have had with people after all. I hope those kinds of conversations will continue.

Poem 3

2009-02-15T19:49:00.000-08:00

I am not entirely happy with all the stanzas of this poem, I am not even going to include the last three stanzas in this post. If you want them you must dig up the 1999 issues of the Legacy.(SAU's poetry journal)

JESUS IN A BOTTLE

"Taste and see that the Lord is good!"
Buy him in a six pack now
Or place a little offering in the vending machine
Push the little red button and WOW!

Drink him up and drink him down
Feel the Spiritual Caffeine
You'll buzz with Jesus for an hour or so
Get a rush from the Nazarene

Talk to your pastor, talk to your priest
They might be holding a sale
Discount coupons given out
Free Samples in the mail

Some claim our soda is a fake
That our sellers are not sainted
They say Jesus Christ was crucified
But never carbonated.

The poem goes on from here, but not in a good way.

Poem 2

2009-02-15T19:28:00.000-08:00

Here is the second poem in my series of religious/spiritual type poems...the bulk of this was written during some religion class in college.

Come, we'll go and see the preacher
Standing on the ocean shore

See him back into the water
Now we'll hear him nevermore

See the bubble of his breathing from the waters underneath
Hear the gurgle of his screaming as he sinks into the deep

Shortly sharks will go to meet him
Watch them move in for the kill

Gentle jaws have gone to greet him
Red and righteous blood to spill

Poetry Slam!!!!

2009-02-05T15:45:00.000-08:00

For lack of a better idea I am going to start publishing some of the quasi religious poetry I have written in the past. Some of these pieces are several years old. Today's poem only works if you think about it actually being handwritten, which it was, sometime during college.

I crucify self upon this page

Wooden cross pulp the paper made

I've driven pens through my hands

For Ink

To write red words

and save my sinful poetry

Don't cry for me Adventistas!

2008-10-12T05:33:00.000-07:00

Maybe things would have been different if my church schools had been more willing to address real spiritual questions, rather than trying to keep me and my classmates from sex, drugs and rock n roll. I wasn't really interested in drugs anyways, was to shy to get a boyfriend, and I liked Musicals!

I remember one teacher asking us to write down the lyrics from our favorite song and bring it in. I thinking she was hoping to point out how ungodly our taste in Rock n Roll was. I must have confused her when I brought in the lyrics to "Don't cry for me Argentina"

I don't recall any place were there was real opportunity to dialogue about doubt. Sabbath School was only for believers, so my doubts just festered in silence and grew.

I still don't use drugs, I waited till marriage, and I like indie folk music.

Chalk one up for Adventist Education.

Oh wait, did I mention I am thinking of converting to Buddhism?

Follow-up

2008-10-06T06:03:00.000-07:00

This is a follow-up to my previous blog post. Looking back maybe I shouldn't have added the second question. It is important to me but the first question, is what I am really interested in. What did this girl do that she needs to be forgiven of?

If Christ died for our sins, what sins did this girl commit?
I can accept that Christ died to heal our broken nature, but when it comes to forgiving our sins, I have trouble. I think there are a whole lot of people who are victims of this world and haven't had much choice when it comes to their "sinful" actions.

If a child is born blind you don't say that the child is a sinner because of blindness. Mistakes they make due to being blind, you don't count against them. Hopefully you work with them to give them skills to cope in a sighted world.

I have a big problem with this idea that we are sinners condemned to die because of our crimes, and that Christ pardons us.
If we are going to use a court room analogy I think it would be more appropriate that we are let off on an insanity plea.

What happens to the girl I described is a roadblock of my faith. I was taught that people cannot be saved unless they believe in Jesus, or if they never hear of Jesus then they must "live up to the light they are given." I didn't add this but the girl in my story never heard of Jesus and was never given any light, only darkness. Therefore according to what I have been taught she will not be in heaven.

I don't agree with what I was taught, and I don't think the Bible always agrees with it either, but it isn't entirely clear what happens in cases like the one I described. There are many views on the nature of salvation, and all gleaned from the same Bible.

I would like to believe in a loving God who will save this girl, but that means having a very open view towards salvation. Our situation is not as dire as the girl I described, but we are all victims of this world to some extent. None of have a perfect life, or a perfect understanding of God. If God's grace will cover only those who believe in him or those who "live up to the light they are given" it doesn't seem fair. Many people are never given a good reason to believe in God, and as hard as we try nobody can live up to the light they are given. We only stumble towards the light.

Many people solve this dilemma by accepting God as just and loving, and believing he will do the perfect thing.

I am not willing to give God the benefit of the doubt. The suffering of the world today, and indeed many actions attributed to him in the Bible, make me wonder if God has not become blinded by his own brightness.

I am not willing to put my trust in a God who will let the victims of this world go into eternal death for "sins" they couldn't help but commit.

Two Questions

2008-10-05T06:30:00.000-07:00

Imagine a girl born into an abusive, poverty stricken home. She is sold by her parents for money and put to work in the sex trade. Before they can put her to work she is beaten, drugged and repeatedly raped to get her desensitized. Then she is put to work servicing 20 or more men a day. Finally she gets up the courage to escape, but is caught by her captors, beaten and killed.

What did this girl do that she needs to be forgiven of?

What do you think will happen to this girl when she dies?

By the way the girl I described above is not imaginary.

"Each year an estimated 800,000- 900,000 human beings are bought, sold, or forced across the world's borders (2003 U.S. State Department estimate). Among them are hundreds of thousands of teenage girls, and others as young as 5, who fall victim to the sex trade. There's a special evil in the abuse and exploitation of the most innocent and vulnerable. The victims of the sex trade see little of life before they see the very worst of life, an underground of brutality and lonely fear. Those who create these victims and profit from their suffering must be severely punished. Those who patronize this industry debase themselves and deepen the misery of others." - President Bush, addressing the U.N. General Assembly September 23, 2003

Revelations at 12:18

2008-09-12T21:18:00.000-07:00

I made the mistake of drinking sweet tea. It doesn't have as strong an effect on me as most coffee does, but it's enough to keep me up thinking, which might or might now be a bad thing.

Here are some revelations, probably only for me,

It's okay to realize you are not doing all you can to love people. It encourages you to look for new ways to help. It keeps you from becoming self satisfied and lazy.

It is not okay to beat yourself up and make yourself miserable because you are not doing all you can for others. When Will and I were starting ESL we asked the woman introducing us if the amount we committed too would be enough. The lady said "How much is enough?" or "Can there ever be enough"... something like that. You have to be at peace with the fact that you can never do enough.

This is a tension I am learning to live with. Pushing myself to love more, while not hating myself for the little I do love.

It is also okay to realize you are not perfect. This is healthy. Knowing your imperfections is a step toward growth.

It is not okay to hate yourself for being imperfect. This prevents growth and leaves you paralyzed.

I better head to bed now. Starting to stop making sense.

Buddhist Perfectionist

2008-08-26T18:19:00.000-07:00

At times I feel very nervous talking with others about my Buddhist practice. It's hard to explain and I am sure, hard to understand, especially coming from an Adventist perspective.

For awhile I was actually kind of angry at Christians, especially Adventists for looking down on Buddhism. All the Christian articles on Buddhism I'd read were really misinformed and inaccurate. The Adventist views of what meditation is were really wrong. I wanted to defend Buddhism, and make people see how prejudiced they were being.

I also wanted to defend Buddhism from a personal level. I was still very insecure about my practice. I felt nervous and unsure about doing something so many Christians believe is wrong. So I tried to be a perfect meditator. I thought that if I could practice perfectly and have all these great character improvements than no one could look down on me. The Bible says "By their fruits you will know them" and I was determined to have great Buddhist fruits.

The led to a very strained practice. If I meditated and then got angry during the day I would get really nervous. "Maybe this whole Buddhist thing is just what the Christians say...evil. After all I got angry even on a day when I meditated."

I wasn't able to relax into my practice because I was so worried about outcomes. Worst of all I wasn't able to accept my self. Now the cycle of depression, anxiety attacks and perfectionism that so plauged me in Christianity was creeping its way into Buddhism.

But when I really thought about it, I couldn't blame Buddhism. After all Christianity had seemed to make me angry, depressed and anxious when I practiced it. What I came to realize was it wasn't the fault of either faith. It was me choosing to warp Christianity and Buddhism to fit my self-hating mindset. To really change, to really grow, I had to stop trying to be perfect. I needed to smile at my anger, smile and my depression and anxiety and give myself unconditional love and the freedom to just be.

The tools of Buddhism when practiced with compassion for myself, helped me to overcome this perfection mindset. Also I have been more generous in my view of Christianity, now that my warped view of it has been changed.

I'm still not sure where I am headed with all of this. I would like to be able to talk with my friends more openly and honestly about these things. But while I am glad that my Buddhist perfectionism has passed, it still makes me nervous because it means I have to open up and be vulnerable.

It's funny how I always criticized Christians for acting like they had all the answers, but I wanted to act the same way with Buddhism. Oh well.

Fearlessness

2008-06-19T19:10:00.000-07:00

I'm acting more like a Fearless Wonder these days. It shows in little things, like talking to people on the elevator at my building, and in big things like getting my ESL student connected with a caseworker, and going out alone to do the tutoring.
The phrase "moving beyond fear" is more appropriate than fearless. Of course I still get the jitters about things. I just choose not to let the jitters rule my actions. My fearlessness, or move beyond fear has really been the result of a new embrace of reality. When I was controlled by my fears, I was always trying to manipulate reality, by avoiding the hard stuff, by zoning out, by escapism, by not seeking challenges. But in all my avoiding of fear I wasn't getting happier or more peaceful. At some point I realized I had to accept reality and face it. I also had to learn to trust in myself to meet its challenges.

I find reality, life as it is, so joyful when I am not trying to control it. We spend so much time worrying about what might happen, and thinking up ways to avoid what might happen, that we fail to see the beauty around us. I know I did, so much so that even many of my memories are about past worries rather than actual events.

My meditation practice has become more joyful even. Anyone who meditates can tell you that your mind will run away down the path of worry, fantasy, and internal debate faster than you can count. This is very natural in meditation, and bringing your mind back to the breath can be a challenge. I've spent a lot of meditation sittings worrying about not only my life, but if I was meditating correctly. Recently I've had a bit of a break through. I've been able to really take to heart the phrase "Dwelling in this present moment, I know this is a wonderful moment." by TNH. Instead of worrying about trying to get the meditation right after the mind wanders, I've simply embraced the joy of the present moment, the joy of reality.

I want to continue to move beyond fear, but I also know the danger of getting attached to fearlessness. So when I'm not feeling or acting fearless I've also learned to not beat myself up. In the past I would get so angry with myself for my perceived "cowardice" Instead of getting attached to the ideas that I HAVE TO BE fearless, I simply recognize my fear, treat it with loving kindness, and guess what? It vanishes so much faster than if I'd beat myself up for it.

"Breathing in I calm my spirit.

Breathing out I smile.

Dwelling in this Present Moment.

I know this is a wonderful moment."

Thich Nhat Han

The Beauty of Flaws

2008-05-26T08:59:00.000-07:00

Every spiritual tradition has em'. Flaws Flaws Flaws. But I'm grateful for them because the flaws make you look deeper. I really don't respect people who write off whole religions because of their flaws. It seems simple minded. You aren't going to find something perfect elsewhere. It's like people who get divorced because their partner is flawed. They get remarried thinking the new partner will be perfect and meet all their needs, but after time the cracks show. Love is only love when you can accept someone warts and all.

And I don't really having a problem practicing a faith with flaws. I think the flaws make your practice more solid. If you can cling to the heart of faith, then you can deal with the flaws that arise. The people who believe their tradition is perfect sometimes fall away hardest when confronted with their faiths imperfection.

I do have a problem with the claim that one faith is better than another. I don't really see what people base that claim on. You can tell people about your faith, and how it has benefited you, but it all gets bogged down when you argue that one way is better than the other. It becomes an intellectual puzzle that cannot be solved (and believe me I've tried). On Adventist conversion method that has been used is to point out all the flaws in the tradition of those you are trying to convert and to show how Adventism is better. (example: Mark Finley's Studying Together) I admire the Adventists who are moving away from that approach but the "Rightness of Adventism and Wrongness of Everyone Else is still a strong undercurrent in the church.

When it comes to faith, we need to admit that faith is all it is. We don't have incontrovertible evidence. We have no proof, and if we think we do, well so do a lot of other belief systems. (i.e. atheism) Again, we get lost in an intellectual argument comparing your proof to my proof.

The difficulty for me comes in deciding what to put my faith in. I have a fairly clear picture of what I need to practice, but when it comes to what I believe I am confused. Since every tradition is flawed, do I just choose the one that works for me? Do I try and search out the best of my Christian faith, as Thich Nhat Hahn might recommend? Do I go to the faith that has had tangible results? (Buddhism) or do I keep a foot in both worlds.

Regardless of the end result, I am thankful that Christianity and Buddhism have shown their flaws to me. It keeps me from getting comfortable and playing it safe. It forces me to stretch and to face myself as I never did before. It can be frightening at times but I wouldn't exchange my experiences for anything. I don't think I would have grown this much in a "play-it-safe" faith.

Oh where Oh where have you gone?

2008-04-21T18:27:00.000-07:00

My husband and I had been tutoring some refugees in English since last November. We had to skip a weekend with them, and the next weekend when we called, they had all moved and were living in separate places. The one who speaks good English hasn't gotten us in touch with the ones we were mainly tutoring, and the lady who set us up with them is trying to find them for us, but has told me it may take some time.

I was hesitant to start tutoring them because of general selfishness, they live so far away, it will take up so much time.. etc, but in the end I really enjoyed being with them and I think they enjoyed us.

We were doing such a small service for them, but for me that were doing a great service. I was wanting something to give to. Despite all my religious questions it was and is clear to me that sharing and loving others is an essential practice. They gave me a place I could live out that practice. And in practicing they became people I loved.

Now that we've disconnected from them I done a few little mitzvahs, but nothing where I am really connecting with people on such a intimate level. The lady who set us up with them says she has another family we could work with, but I want to try and find "our" family first. When we've done homeless feeding with our church I can kind of mentally write off the homeless as "the others" but don't want to be that way. I want to work people who I can know and love. Maybe I need to expand my definition of love. Maybe I need to try harder to connect to those I see as "the others."

Maybe it's more righteous to give, expecting nothing in return, but when I get something back then I want to give more.

Communion Again

2008-04-21T17:54:00.000-07:00

Well I had my first taste of wine a couple of weeks ago. Granted it happened at a communion service, so I don't think it counts for much. We visited a small church which meets in the back of a coffee shop and took communion with them. Shortly before we took communion it occurred to me that not all Christians use Welches Grape Juice at communion. Most/Many? use real wine. So I dipped my bread in sparingly. I was really giggly afterwards but I think it was because I was so amused to have finally tasted wine after 29 years.

I was talking with a friend recently, comparing spiritual notes. I told my friend I had not been praying to Jesus to save me, even when I felt the emotional pressure to do so. But afterwards when I was telling another friend about tasting wine, I realized I might be a bit of a hypocrite. If I am taking communion, isn't that the same as asking Jesus to save me? I have been very resistant to "fall into the arms of Jesus", pray the sinners prayer, get saved etc. I've told myself that if I am ever going to be a full "Christian" again, I am going to have to have a very good reason to do so.

But I continue to play Christian a lot. I've told myself that a lot of Christian practice is beneficial, and it is. I enjoy the community, I get involved in ministry (i.e. homeless feeding, habitat for humanity etc) I pray sometimes now, but only with others. I enjoy singing at Church, though I don't always connect with the lyrics. I also take communion when offered.

I've told myself I am trying to glean whatever Christianity has left for me. I've told myself that by taking communion I am just making myself available if God has something to say.

But...part of me is doing these "Christian" things, is not to search out God, or to grow as a person, but is just a way of hiding and belonging. I have been fairly open and honest on this blog and with some friends about my thinking. Both of my pastors know that I am struggling...but I am I not totally honest.

A agnostic friend of mine came to our church and when a Church member asked him if enjoyed the service he said simply "No" For me it easier to pretend a little bit with people. However I have been honest with several church members who I am closer to. I just don't feel the need to stand out in a crowd of those less familiar.

The church I had my "wine" at was the kind of community where I could have skipped communion and no one would have judged me, but still I partook. I wonder if I could have had more meaningful conversations with people afterwards if I hadn't taken communion? I wonder what part of me was taking communion to remain open to God, and what part was taking it to fit in.

Innocence Atlanta

2008-01-30T05:34:00.000-08:00

We went to another great Emergent Cohort last night.

The topic was sex trafficking, in particular, the trafficking of young girls who are sold into sexual slavery. A women from
Innocence Atlanta informed us that Atlanta is number 1 city in the nation for sex trafficking due to the airport.

We mainly talked about the causes and possible solutions to this problem, but the one true story the Innocence Atlanta representative shared at the beginning was truly terrifying and heartbreaking. She told us of a young girl and her sister kidnapped from Moldovia, rapped, beaten, (the sister died) then trafficked from Europe to New York. Like many others this girl was sent to work all over the country, it keeps them from forming bonds. She was forced to service 20 men a day and her life was constantly at risk. When she finally managed to escape she as recaptured several times, beat again and again, and finally died in the hospital before the rescue agency could get to her.

The story is told in full here.

It makes me ashamed of all the spiritual navel gazing I've been doing. While spiritual questions are important, there are so many lives at risk today that I need to re-evalute my priorities. My husband and I are looking at ways to support the work being done by Innocence Atlanta.

In the past, I've felt that I had to help people because it was what God wants, now I want to help people because my heart is breaking for them.

Let your heart break for those in need. Then take action.

Communion

2008-01-27T19:15:00.000-08:00

I've been taking communion, and asking myself why? What do I mean by this? What do I see in this? We've been going to a house church on Sunday night* and they have communion each week, so I've had to consider this rite more frequently. We had communion at my SDA church this Saturday too so I guess I got a double helping this weekend.

The Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh has taken part in the Eucharist. He said in reference to that, "To me, religious life is life. I do not see any reason to spend one's whole life tasting just one kind of fruit. We humans can be nourished by the best values of many traditions."
He also considers the Eucharist/Communion a call to mindfulness which puts us in touch with ultimate reality, with Christ.

In taking communion I am trying to touch what Christ might be and take what he might offer. What he is and what he offers, I don't know for certain.

I have said that I am Buddhist already because in a very practical sense I already "take refuge" in the Buddha, the Dharma and the Sangha. "Taking refuge" in the three jewels is how one "offically" becomes a Buddhist. But already, though I've made no formal vows, I turn to the Buddha, the Dharma and the Sangha for guidance or "refuge"

So to I must still be a Christian because I look to the life of Christ for guidance, I wrestle with the Scriptures and I take refuge in the Christian Sangha. (i.e. Christian Community)

But Thich Nhat Han considers Christ to be one of his spiritual ancestors. He even has a little statue of Christ on his shrine. The title of his book, "Living Buddha, Living Christ." refers to his belief that we make the Buddha and Christ "living" when we live out their teachings.

I have few problems with being this kind of Christian, but I have been told I must believe that Christ was more than just enlightened. I've been told that the historical Jesus Christ is "the way, the truth, and the light", the only way for men to be saved. I've been told that I must accept the divinity of Christ to be a "real" Christian.

I have no way to accept this now. The supernatural element, sometimes superstitious way of Christianity has no reality for me. I see the positive effects
of certain Christian practices, but I've seen nothing to convince me of the divine. For the Buddhist the "divine" is in the present moment. Thich Nhat Han says something like, 'The miracle is not to walk on water, the real miracle is to walk on earth.' I can look around and see that this is true. I can see the miracles all around me. But to go and thank some unseen God for making them? I don't know.

*(Yes, I go too church twice a week now, plus a Saturday night study, Emergent Cohort monthly and I've got a possible Women's group coming up. For a semi Buddhist, agnositc, halfventist I'm more "religious" than anyone I know.)

What convicts you?

2008-01-20T06:49:00.000-08:00

I've been on hiatus from deep thinking. It was becoming to much to handle. Even though I believe its impossible to be absolutely sure of anything, my Adventist mentality still tells me it's possible to have THE TRUTH. So my brain was rocketing back and forth between belief systems, trying to make something stick, but realizing that every belief system is full of flaws. A recent death in the family helped propel my need to stop thinking. It was getting to much to handle and I just had to let things be for awhile. I watched sappy Korean dramas and avoided spirituality. After awhile though, it turned from avoidance into good old depression.
Thankfully it was free from panic attacks and rabid self destructive hate. I just sort of didn't do anything for a few days.

Coming back to life now, but still unsure of anything. I guess it is going to have to be that way for awhile. Yet is still bothers me that so many people claim to know the TRUTH, know God, have the answers.

For me, if I decide to cling to a faith, it will be with no certainty. I will just be making a choice to cling, despite doubt.

My question for my readers is...What convicts you?
If you are not convicted, why do you follow your belief system. Why do you believe what you believe?

To tell the truth I am hoping someone will just state their reasons so clearly as to sweep away all my doubt. Wouldn't that be nice? But I know most of you have your areas of uncertainty too. But still I'd like to know why you believe what you do. How do you deal with your doubts. Whatever your belief system is, why do you keep it? Or if you are searching like me, how do you handle not knowing anything for sure?

If you want post here, or through myspace or e-mail that's fine. I look forward to your responses.

Heavy heart

2007-12-14T20:10:00.000-08:00

I have had a lot of my mind and heart the last two weeks. So much that I kind of lost interest in understanding why people drink. (For the record I am still "non-alcoholic")

A lot of troubling issues have come up recently, and I started getting a bit depressed. I practiced breathing, mindfulness and meditation. I opened the door of my heart to myself. I worked hard to think reasonably about the situations. These things helped to keep me from a downward spiral, from the kind of breakdowns I have had in the past, but still the sadness traveled with me.

The Buddhists talk about breathing kind energy to the places that are hurting you. When I try and fight so hard against negative thinking it usually gets a lot worse. Instead of fighting and getting angry at myself for negative thoughts I practiced sending kindness to those bitter, worried, anxious, and negative parts of my brain. This helped a lot. But still the sadness traveled with me.

And finally I realized it was alright. The sadness could travel with me. It will always be a companion on my journey. There are terrible things in this life, and to not be sad about them is inhuman.

I listened to a Speaking of Faith episode on depression. A man suffering from depression was told something like "You see depression as an enemy you have to fight against. Why can't you see it as something pushing you to ground where you can stand."

For me sadness has lead to pilling up worries, then panic attacks, depression, guilt, self doubt and self hate.

Sadness is finally coming into perspective for me now. I am learning how to be sad about something without being immobilized. The guilt, self hate, worry, and fear are what kept me attached to misery. Sadness by itself teaches me compassion. When I feel guilty that people are suffering across the globe I do nothing. When I am saddened by it, I feel compassion and do something. Love and hope also are part of compassion, but it is hard for me to feeling loving and hopeful when crushed by anxiety and worry. Allowing myself feel sad without all the extra baggage is an important skill for me. Wish me luck on my journey with sadness.

Questions on drinking...

2007-12-07T16:53:00.000-08:00

Thanks to all the the responses to my "Dogs become Street Stoics" entry. There are still a few people I am hoping to get a response from before I write a longer response post.

In the meantime here are some questions for those who drink.

People say drinking helps you relax in a social setting. Would it be possible to relax and be authentic with people without alcohol?

If you had a close friend or family member who was an alcoholic would it change your drinking habits?

How do you know if you have alcoholic leanings? Will you become an alcoholic shortly after you start drinking due to your biological make-up?

For those Christian drinkers, did you start drinking because you found out the Bible doesn't say it's a sin? I know I was taught that it was one of the worst sins, but I know the Bible doesn't back this up.

I'd love to hear all your answers. You can e-mail me or message me on myspace as some people have done, or comment directly on the blog.

Dogs Become Street Stoics

2007-12-01T04:22:00.000-08:00

I had a bizarre dream last night in which the phrase "Dogs become street stoics" appeared. Seems prophetic, no?
Okay, so I really have no idea what that phrase means. I doubt it means much at all, just random brain twitching during sleep.
Another part of my dream did have some events worth considering.

Often the issues I am wrestling with, or have wrestled with appear in my dreams. I have dreams about high school insecurity, job fears, friendship and family issues. I still dream about massive fights with my mother even though we haven't really fought for several years. One common dream I was having was the "heaven/salvation" dream in which the end times were upon me and I managed to get saved. I was never "lost" in any of my end time dreams.

It should be noted that I have a great deal of will power when it comes to dreaming. I rarely have nightmares, and when something bad does happen in my dreams I can usually work my way out of it. Often in the dream I realize I am dreaming, tell myself the bad stuff is just a dream and move on to dancing in tree tops or shopping for rabbits at Old Navy. So while I was comforted by my "salvation" dreams, (Maybe it's a sign from God that I will be ready when the time comes. ) I also realized that I was controlling the outcome of the dream, and who wants to be lost?

Well the dream last night involved my friends coming over, friends I hadn't seen for awhile, and me having a conversation about Buddhism with them. Also I was explaining, quite emphatically, why I don't drink or use drugs. (This was because one friend brought over something resembling a bong. It was actually used to change the colors in a certain type of hair barrette (Who can explain dreams?) but my friend confessed she did occasionally use drugs, and this sparked the conversation about drug use and Buddhism.

My discussion of Buddhism was pretty incoherent, (I remember thinking so in the dream), but one part from the anti drug conversation does stand out. I remember telling my friends that I had never done drugs or drank alcohol (which is true) and that I hadn't missed anything. I enjoyed my life, and they should ask themselves why they couldn't enjoy their lives without drugs and alcohol.

The deeper meaning to this dream? That I have been wanted to discuss Buddhism and alcohol use with my friends. (To my knowledge none of my friends are drug users currently. I think I dreamt about the bong because of seeing a store Little Five Points (Atlanta's Haight-Ashbury) that sold them)

I want to discuss Buddhism with my friends, not because I plan to CONVERT anyone, (That wouldn't be very Buddhist) but because I am hoping to hear some challenges to my current thinking.

I want to discuss alcohol use because it is becoming a greater part of my social life. A lot of my Adventist friends have taken up social drinking, and a lot of the people from various Christian backgrounds in Emergent Cohort drink socially as well. Even some of the Buddhists at the Shambhala center drink socially. Apparently the Shamhalans are not so concerned with following the 5th precept to refrain from intoxicants. Until I moved to Atlanta I had only been offered alcohol maybe two or three times. Now it is frequently available.

I admit I am tempted. My friends are all nice people, none of them alcoholics, all of them spiritual to some degree. They seem to be enjoying themselves in drinking, and I wonder if I am missing something.

I am going to be writing at least one more post on this subject, and I would love some feedback.

Until then beware of any stoic street dogs you might encounter. They might be harbringers of doom.

Mitzvah

2007-11-22T10:06:00.000-08:00

NOTE: I started this post Thanksgiving day, and didn't post it till several days later.

Mitzvah is a term from Judaism meaning one the of the 613 commandments in the Torah, but is commonly used to refer to a good deed. At my former preschool we had a MItzvah tree where the kids could put up little paper MItzvah leaves with their good deeds written on them.

Will and I did our little Thanksgiving mitzvah last night. We volunteered for a couple of hours forHosea Feed the Hungry and Homeless which does a giant homeless feed for Thanksgiving (among many other things) We did the food preparation part at a jail. (I had to call my dad and tell him I'd been to jail) Will mainly hauled cans and I pulled Turkey meat off the bones.

I guess today hundreds more volunteers will set up at a local stadium, serve the food and clean up. This is really a very huge effort. Our food prep at the jail was just one of many places people could go volunteer at. Most people at the jail signed up for three hour shifts. We only did two hours. The shifts started at 6, I think, maybe earlier and apparently went till 6am. As we were leaving a lot of new volunteers were coming in. I am still trying to wrap my mind around how many people took part in this event.

The atmosphere at he jail was very friendly and spirits were high. But as I remarked to my fellow Turkey pullers, I was glad this wasn't my day job. I feel for the people who do that kind of work eight hours a day, seven days a week. Will and I were both having bad back issues after just two hours. Everyone there was happy because it was a novelty to be there. Some of the volunteers who were more connected to the Hosea project were going to be there all night. I wonder how they felt?

Matthew 6:3 says "But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing"
It's a charge not to boast about our good deeds. I suppose by putting up my latest "good deed" on my blog might count as boasting, but I don't feel boastful. Part of my reason for posting is to get others thinking about volunteering. The other reason is a need to explore my relationship to mitzvahs.

We do these little mitzvahs to make ourselves feel better about ourselves sometimes. At least I do. They are my little indulgences. I can stave off my guilt about being selfish for a few days, before I need to find a new mitzvah. But in truth the mitzvah never really takes away the guilt. Even last night, I realized what I was doing was so small. Learning to serve out of true love and compassion is my big challenge. But as they say "fake it till you make it."

I have a couple of volunteer projects coming up, and I know I need to do them. If there is one thing Buddhism and Christianity agree on it is showing compassion for those in need. I am convicted about it. I have all the necessary skills. I have the time. I also have fear and selfishness working against me. I don't want volunteering to interfere with all the "fun" stuff I really want to be doing. For example, last night there was a chance we could have met up with some new friends. It didn't end up working out, but part of me wanted to ditch the Homeless feed to met these friends. Also, I have this lingering fear of failure which keeps me from volunteer opportunities. I fear I will fail somehow at the project, or fail to please the people I will meet/help when volunteering.

When ever I had actually volunteered I have never regretted it. The compassion usually hits me after I get involved. But still I can get annoyed during long term volunteer projects, and see it more as a burden than a joy. I guess service involves sacrifice. If I just naturally wanted to do good, then maybe it would mean less. I beat myself up because I don't have perfect motives, but maybe it means more that I am willing to do it, with all my flawed thinking.

I also think my self motives are not worth considering. If I wait until I have pure altruistic motives I will never do anything and there is so much that needs doing.

Just some ponderings about mitvahs. What have your experiences been.

Sufferings, and other such Silliness.

2007-11-12T18:51:00.000-08:00

Ajahn Brahm says (big paraphrase here) that when you are single, always wishing for a mate, never happy to be alone, you have singles suffering. Then when you finally meet the love of your life, and getting married, well then, then you have married suffering.

I have been disappointed with myself for sometime now. You see I used to be smart. I used to be the one who was going to be someone. I had amazing grades in school. I was a great, writer, poet, loved acting, pretty good at art and just destined...destined to be something amazing by 25... right? Well here I am at 29 working in childcare. (like my mother...the horror) I'm don't even have my own classroom like I did in Chattanooga. Thanks to the annoying Georgia residency requirements I won't be able to afford to start my Master's degree until May 2009. A lot of my friends are busy professionals doing what they went to school for. Some of my friends are really starting to "make it" But me, I am just waiting, waiting to be something.

I have this dream to get my Masters in Education, because I like it working with kids and I know handle a teaching job. But I have all these left over dreams of being an ARTIST. So I am having a hard time being happy where I am now. I have this kind of in-between suffering. I suffer because I failed to live up to my potential and I suffer because I have to wait to start my new dream.

I get myself twisted up into horrible knots envying my successful friends. I beat myself down for my failures. I create so much suffering for myself, because of what could have been, and what isn't yet.

But if I had "made" it, then what? And when I do get my Master, then what? Oh, think of the ways I could have and may still yet suffer. Being a working artists/writer/actress would have left with with endless possibilities for suffering. It's part of the job description, I think. And if I do get my Masters and start teaching in the public school system I will be under SOOOOO much more pressure than I am at my current childcare center. Oh, then I will wish I could just be a housewife.

Learning to be a peace in the now is my great challenge. If I can't be at peace now, I can never be at peace. Even when conditions are "perfect" the human mind still finds a way to create suffering. I breath in and out. I practice mindfulness. I look for the beauty in the moment. I count my blessing and I try to let go. I try to let go of the regret. I try to let go of my worries for tomorrow.

I think I have paraphrased this Bible text before, but I'll do it again here. Matthew 6:34
Therefore do not live for the joy of tomorrow, for tomorrow you will experience it. Each day has enough joy of its own.

Silence

2007-11-10T06:18:00.000-08:00

I was driving my van load of kids, eight total, from their preschool to our children's center. As per usual I was telling them to remember to use quiet voices. Then one of the kids piped up, "Hey let's play the quiet game."

Now for those of you who don't know about the quiet games, it is a game invented by adults I'm sure, in which you have to see who can stay quiet the longest. It tends to be suggested when kids are getting really crazy so the adult can have a few moments of peace.

Now this time a child had suggested it and the other kids seemed interested in playing, so I upped the stakes. "I'll give a sticker to anyone who can stay quiet all the way to H.H. (the children's center)"

Well a couple of kids yelled out, "See how quiet I am being" I reminded them that this too was talking. Then they settled down and started to play in earnest.

If you have ever played the quiet games with small children (these kids were ages 3 to 5) you know that it never last more than a few blessed minutes, if that. But these kids surprised me. As we drove I kept waiting for someone to burst. It never happened. The whole van was deadly silent all the way to H.H.

I started wondering what they were thinking about as we rode along silently. I remembered being that age, lying quietly in bed, and actually have rather profound thoughts. I remembering thinking about my relationship to my family, God, and of course how I could acquire a real Cabbage Patch doll instead of the fake one I'd received.

I also wondered if these kids were missing silence in their little lives. Today kids are thrown into noisy preschools as soon as possible, and often don't leave until 6 or later. As they transition into elementary school, they can no longer leave at 3, but get sent into afterschool care. They rarely have time to be by themselves. Kids love action, noise and energy, but to much of it makes them worn out and anxious. In Tennessee the preschool rating system wanted you to have a quiet area in your classroom. (I doubt this is true is Georgia. I was really shocked by their low standards for preschools when I moved here.) The quiet area really helped a lot of kids in my class to de-stress and deal with anxiety.

In this noisy world how can we create silent spaces for ourselves and our children?

The real God

2007-11-03T20:30:00.000-07:00

I can't ever believe in the God I once thought I knew. It was a God shaped by my own guilt complexes and conditioning. A God who claimed to offer grace but only gave out impossible rules to follow.

But I am trying to see if a real God is out there. What would that God look like? How would I know if I found Him/Her? What role would that God serve in my life, and what role would I serve in that God's plans.

I really have no answer to these questions right now. But I am keeping myself connected to God seeking communities and staying open.

One of my biggest obstacles is that I am still clinging to resentment and fear. I am fearful of what my "Old God" will do to me for leaving him. I am resentful because of all the harmful ways of thinking I was taught and admittedly self-taught.

If I am going to move forward I need to stop whining about my past. If you see me complaining about how unfair "God" is or how annoying Adventists are on this blog again I want you stop me. I am not saying I don't have some legitimate concerns, but I been wallowing in those concerns for too long.

I want to grow, not complain about what is keeping me from growing.

Watering Down

2007-10-30T06:46:00.000-07:00

I was having an interesting conversation with my brother yesterday. We were talking about churches, and small groups, and some of the pros and cons of different ones in their approaches. We both agreed that Churches that watered down things too much were not good because they produced a lower quality of believer.

I think if a person is a true seeker, they will be patient and study out any difficult points of doctrine they encounter in the church they are visiting. If pastor waters things down too much, he won't be feeding the believers, and will only attract converts who are not serious about their faith.

I think the true seeker isn't really put off by confusing insider language. When I first went to the Bodhi center in Chattanooga, I learned lots of new words and terms like Sangha and "The three jewels." I wasn't put off at all. I expected that as a new comer there would be things I didn't understand, and that I would have to follow up on if I was interested in learning more.

However the people at the Bodhi center also were willing to patiently answer our questions and explain a lot of things too us. The church next door to our apartment also has a class that newcomers can go to after the service to have questions answered. The meditation center I have been attending makes sure all new comers get instructions first before they go into the big mediation hall. I have seen a lot of churches let people know that there will be people up front after the service that they can speak with if they have any concerns, prayers or questions.

I think having something alongside the service to help newcomers is a far better solution to attracting serious seekers than watering down the service. Both the newcomer and the regular attenders benefit.

On the other hand I don't like my sermons/dharma talks too heady and philosophical. If there isn't something I can take and apply to my daily life than it's useless to me. I really love the pastors at our new church because so far they have given so much great pratical advice. I felt like I was starving for pratical examples at Collegedale. It's great and all to understand philosophy, but if you can't do anything with it than what is the point?

Grace

2007-10-28T13:04:00.000-07:00

I recently posted in a Buddhist forum about Grace. The next day I heard a sermon about Grace and realized I had to recant some my opinions from the post I'd made. I still believe that there is a Grace in Buddhism, but I was unfair in my characterization of Christianity. You can read my post here

My post was a reaction to an argument I've heard about why Christianity is better than all other religions. The argument says that Christianity is better because we have Grace through the shed blood of Jesus, while all other religions have to work to get "saved" (whatever that means)

In the post I characterized the Christian concept of Grace based on my own struggle with perfectionism. In my view of Christianity, you were given salvation/grace but then had to strive, struggle and sweat towards perfection. Since this struggle towards perfection never got me anywhere, and the grace I've found in Buddhism has helped me, I wrote very positively about Buddhism and very negatively about Christianity.

But after the sermon Saturday, I realized there are Christian perspectives about Grace other than the one I somehow aquired. Our pastor talked clearly about how perfectionism and grace are not compatible, how no one is perfect but God, and how faith and trust in God rather than struggling in our own perfectionism, is how we grow.

Perfectionism has been a big undercurrent in Adventist Christianity, and a lot of Adventists struggle with it. Recently the church has become more Grace based, and I neglected to include that in the original post.

However I still feel that Buddhism has an advantage over Christianity in the grace arena. The Christian answer (and the one given by the pastor) seems to be to just "have faith" when you are assailed by perfectionist thoughts. I guess you are supposed to pray or something.

For someone like me who deals with a crippling sense of perfectionism, to the point I am afraid to do nearly everything lest I fail, and yet beat myself up constantly for not having achieved my lofty and impossible goals, the Christian method wasn't working. The Christian perfectionism never worked to help me grow, and the vauge, "have faith and trust in God instead of doing it yourself" never made sense. I couldn't think about doing anything unless it was with a spirit of perfectionism. So my only way to avoid a "works" mentality was to sit around, do nothing and wait for God to change me." And sitting around doing nothing usually meant I had moved beyond perfectionism into depression.

Buddhism on the other had provided me with some very practical solutions to perfectionism. You can read some of the solutions in the post I mentioned earlier

Through meditation you really can allow youself to do nothing, unless you count breathing in and out as works. When thoughts come, no matter what their nature, you simply watch them, rather than agonizing over them, label them as thinking, then let them go. With meditation you mentally and physically give yourself the grace to just be.

Through mindfulness, you accept yourself, others and your environment for what they are. You give yourself and others grace to just be. From this viewpoint its so much easier to take skillful and positive action, because you are not just reacting to the negative environment around you.

I'd like to expound on the Buddhist concept of Grace in another post so stay tuned.

2007-10-26T19:15:00.000-07:00

I have the tendency to want to start off my posts with an apology for not having posted in awhile...but I am not going to do that. No apology what so ever. If you think I am a mean heartless witch for not considering your feelings...so what. I don't care. Get over it.
(This is me learning not to feel overly guilty about everything. But already I feel guilty for telling you to "Get over it". Ahhh, but I won't say I am sorry. You can just deal with it. )

Anyways...

I have had a lot I wanted to write about. A lot I have even tried to write about. I have sat down and begun countless blog posts but never finished them.

Why...Because I am so uncertain about everything, and even as I write I change my mind, and realize I have multiple views on certain subjects. I feel like if I commit my thoughts to type, then I will be saying things I really don't mean, believe or understand. I give very little importance to my own opinion these days. I am sympathetic to a variety of conflicting viewpoints.

And I feel lost...lost without a map.

But I know what I should be doing while lost, and I am doing it, though with great imperfection. I am looking for ways to love, care, connect and help others. I am practicing being at peace with myself, so I can be peace in the world.

So do I need to worry if I have the theology all figured out. Will God punish me in the end because I thought that maybe you don't have to be Christian to be saved(whatever that means). And with Buddhism I have a few lifetimes to figure everything out anyways.

I guess my worries stem from the Adventist imperative to "have the TRUTH." We always talk about the dangers of being deceived on matters of doctrine. (Did I just say "We" in that last sentece. I guess I must still be Adventist) So I am terrified that all my searching is just the devil leading me away from the TRUTH and down that slippery slope towards hell. Then why am I improving so much as a human being? Why am I able to deal with myself and other in such a more loving way. Not perfect. No where near perfect...but better. It is just maturity? I am almost thirty now . Or has the devil just let me be at peace now that he's got me doubting Christ.

And if I do go another way, will I ever get rid of the guilt I have been conditioned to feel. If I take refuge some day(i.e. become Buddhist) will I hear the voice of Jesus weeping silently in my mind as I recite the three Jewels.

And will it really be Jesus, or just my Adventist conditioning flaring up.

Updates from Atlanta

2007-09-09T15:25:00.000-07:00

Well, we are half-way settled in Atlanta now I can't make any excuses not to update now.

First a brief overview of my recent spiritual activites...

I am reading Living Buddha, Living Christ by Thich Naht Hahn. It presents a lot of ways the practices of Buddhism and Christianity actually harmonize. I don't know about all his conclusions yet, but it made me appreciate the depth of the Christian tradtion more. I have been sorta focusing on the negative shallow aspects of Christianity lately, and forgetting the good and beautiful parts.

I am still listening to Ajahn Brahm and enjoying his silly jokes.

We've visted a couple of SDA churches in Atlanta. The one we thought the
friendliest comes with a 45 minute drive but we have a few more to check out.

We enjoyed visiting the Collegedale SDA church this past Saturday morning. (We can drive for 2 hours to go to the Renewal Sabbath School every week, right?) We enjoyed Sabbath school as always and found the sermon on community more insightful than past sermons. I wish we could ask him questions afterwards though because he implied a few things which seemed to have unhealthy ultimate conclusions.

This morning I met up with a new friend at the Shambhala Mediation Center I don't know about the whole Shambabla philosophy yet, but it provides a good place for people of all backrounds to practice walking and sitting mediation. They have a small beginners instruction available which was helpful, though I found I can't yet sit in the standard position because my foot falls asleep. My friend recommended another way of sitting which might help.

I liked walking meditation a lot better because not so many aches and pains come up.

That's all for now. Come visit us in Atlanta okay!

Friendships

2007-07-16T19:27:00.000-07:00

This weekend I had a chance to spend time with a lot of friends. Some were my closest friends, some were friends I used to be closer to, some were people I just like to have fun with. Some were people I wish I had more time to develop closer friendships with.

In my mind heaven is heaven because you'd get to spend eternity developing friendships. They say that hell is other people...Well heaven can be other people too. I feel saddened to be expanding the distance between my friends and I. I am glad we are not moving so far away, but it will still be tough to keep the connections. Some friendships I am not worried about. I know they will always be close friendships. Other friendships had barely begun to blossom or were just being rekindled. It will be hard to keep these friendships growing.

I feel sad for the times I didn't make the effort to call people or to get together. It seems you have all the time in the world until you don't.

I feel sad that I am too reserved to break the wall between being buddies and being true kindred spirits. I wish I could share more with other people and let them share more with me. We need each other to make sense of this crazy world.

So, if you are reading this blog please know that I am wishing you the best and hoping that someday we can be closer friends and not be shy to talk, laugh, share, cry, and even get angry together.

Thanks for the times you have been there for me. I appreciate people more than I let them know.

I am getting really sentimental now and am about to cry. I'll miss you. I love you. Even if I have never met you I long for a chance to get to know you.

Okay, crying now...

Friendship Classes

2007-07-01T17:05:00.000-07:00

Wow, this past Sabbath School class filled me up with thoughts and ideas. I alreayd wrote a few in my last post. Here is one more.

Sometimes, instead of preaching/teaching "theology", I wish the pastors/sabbath school leaders would talk about how to make friends. I think making more than surface level friends is a skill most of us are lacking. We just hang out with family, schoolmates, coworkers...people whom it is easy to form relationships with. Meanwhile we meet people in less comfortable situations and think..."I really wish I could be friends with this person" but do nothing about it because we don't know where to start.

Conversations

2007-07-01T08:39:00.000-07:00

I have been having some interesting real life conversation with people about God, faith, humans and such. I enjoy these more than talking about hobbies, random trivia or gossiping. I wish more people felt comfortable talking about their spiritual beliefs (or lack there of) I feel frustrated by only getting to know people on the surface level. Sometimes lame goofy pointless conversation can be fun, but I also want to get to know people on a deeper level. A lot of people act like you are speaking Ancient Sumerian if you talk to them about anything deep.

But I admit I am somtimes afraid of broaching deeper topics with others. I am a people pleaser and I don't want to make others feel uncomfortable. I think growing up in the church gives one an advantage in being about to speak about deeper things, because you grow up being used to it. Of course there are plenty of shallow people in the church too, but Sabbath School, camps, academy and other places give people the opportunity to more naturally speak about spirituality.

I was talking to a friend at work about spirituality once and after telling her how my husband and I talk about such things all the time, she was surprised, saying that she and her husband rarely discussed such things.

To me marriage is the most spiritual relationship you can have on earth, and I couldn't imagine not talking about spiritual subjects with my husband.

But as someone I respect pointed out in Sabbath School, we should have more than just deep relationships with our family. It's important to have friends to talk about such things with. The more people who give me their perspective the more balanced view I have of my self and my opinions.

But as we talked about in Sabbath School (this was a really good class btw) the American culture of individualism makes it difficult to connect with others on a deeper level. I've also notices that Americans always have to have a front. They have a hard time being genuinely friendly with each other.

We talked in Sabbath School about how this American individualism creates a problem in building the kind of Church community we are supposed to have. In an "everyone fends for themselves" culture how to do build a community where we all look out for each other.?

Amazing Talk

2007-06-24T17:49:00.000-07:00

Just finished listening to Ajahn Brahm again. I really like this guy. He sort of set my priorities straight. I have been pretty fixated on the wrong beliefs of Adventists lately. He really made me realize I need my beliefs to be focused on love, peace, compassion and wisdom and other beliefs (or in my case Anti-beliefs) need to take a second tier.

He told a really good story involving a duck or possibly a chicken which explained it all. =) Listen yourself to hear the rest of the story.

The Asylum

2007-06-24T05:34:00.000-07:00

The God of the Bible is like a parent of mentally and physically deformed child(SIN NATURE) , who leaves the child in a dirty mental asylum for orphans(EARTH AFTER THE FALL). He tells the child, "I love you but I am going to leave you here. I'll come again to get you when you are old, but only if you keep trusting me. Now you have to spread this Good News to all the other children because they are mine and I am coming to get them too."

Except, the children he tells to spread the good news are so mentally ill they can barely feed themselves, let alone spread the Good News to the children God never bothered to speak to.

While the children are in the asylum, God doesn't totally abandon them. He writes them letters. Letter that tell them how to live life in the interim. But the letters are sent by way of the Asylum director, who has to translate the letters because they are written in an ancient language that the children can't read. The letters are full of contradictions and puzzles which even the most mentally healthy children cannot figure out.

Parts of the letteres are wonderful. They give hope and encouragement to some children. Other parts tell the children it's okay to kill Children who don't live up to all the rules. War breaks out in the orphanage and the suffering increases.

Finally, many years later, after the children's children's children have long died, and the deformity has worsened and spread among the new generations, God comes back.

I am ready to save all who still believe, all who are covered by my grace. Some children run and hide, and some come forward. To the ones who come forward he says. "I never knew you."

Speaking of Faith

2007-06-16T18:06:00.000-07:00

My Hubby recently introduced me to Speaking of Faith a radio program by American Public Media (yeah for Public Radio!) I really like the interviewer, Krista Tippett. A lot of interviewers tend to attack people of faith or ask really clueless questions (ala Terry Gross) or just touch on the hot button issues, but Krista asks questions that are more meaningful and allow the interviewee to really share from their experience. I have listened to The New Monastics and The Buddha in the World (Check out the humerous picture on the website) and both episodes are really good. Enjoy!

Distance

2007-06-12T17:57:00.000-07:00

I haven't read the Bible for a while now. Now I know some people might say that is my downfall, that if I had just kept reading the Bible I would still be a faithful Christian now. I don't doubt it. I would probably still be a Christian in some sense of the word, more so than I am now anyways. But I wonder, would it just be because I continued to reinforce my childhood conditioning. This may seem unjust, but if I kept up the practices (prayer/Bible reading) and pushed aside doubt when it arose, couldn't I just be brainwashing myself day in and day out.

I will probably pick up the Bible again. I do need to know what it has to say, but I need to see it with fresh eyes. I did take a lot of joy from the Bible once. I found so much that was hopeful, joyfull and wonderful. I also found much to torture myself with. I have always had a bit of a guilt complex, and really only since stepping away from the Bible have I gained some rational sense of my own guilt.

I don't plan to read as a skeptic, picking it apart for every little flaw and loophole, nor do I plan to read as if every word was gold. I want to read it to see what it really has to say, not what others say it says, not what my guilt complex makes it say.

I am not sure if I am at the point where I have enough distance yet, and I am not sure how to begin when I do read it. I guess we figure these things out as we go.

Another Dharma Talk

2007-06-10T09:29:00.000-07:00

Another good dharma talk from this guy. I like the sedate pace of his dharma talks because I don't feel I am being emotionally manipulated. I can just listen and consider. Some of the preachers I used to listen to at TBN got so hyped up that they stopped actually saying anything and were just relying on raw energy to motivate the crowds. That is why I was probably most drawn to Joyce Meyer on TBN because of her straight forward and practical way of speaking. No Paula White style fits of ecstasy there. I think overly emotional and charasmatic presentations get people to focus on the the teacher rather than the message.

Intellectual

2007-06-09T20:04:00.000-07:00

Here is a post I started awhile a couple months ago and just now finished...thought it might explain my predicament more fully.

Do you have to be an intellectual person to be saved? The more I read and learn about spirituality the more complicated it seems. The answers which I once believed seem foolish and childish. Some would say that we need to be "fools" for Christ. That it is better to accept things like a child. Plenty of people are willing to do this. They hold onto beliefs that seem to contradict modern thought and knowledge. Some have looked into modern thinking and keep holding onto their beliefs. Some refuse to even acknowledge that there is another way then what they already believe. Some are simply so immersed in their culture of belief that they are not aware of any other way.

Here is where I see the big problem. These people who, for what ever reason, hold onto to these "foolish" beliefs don't all believe the same thing. They are people from nearly every religion and denomination holding onto a wide variety of beliefs. So if you are supposed to have "faith like a child" are you supposed to then have faith like a Catholic child, or a Protestant child, or a Hindu Child, or Buddhist child or a Mormon child or a Muslim child...

It seems to me the only way to discern the right path is study. Some people say that if we just trust the Holy Spirit He will reveal to us the right path. Problem is there are people from a variety of faiths claiming to have been divinely led to their own right path.

So again it seems the only way to discern the right path is to study, and not just study but study with a critical mind. Since so many people are claiming different paths to be RIGHT you have to be critical. You can't just accept what you have been told.

Here is the thing...I am not that smart. My husband might have a chance at finding the truth. He is a pretty intellectual guy. I am not saying I am a moron, but I have a hard time understanding all the differing arguments and sometimes one sounds just as good as another.

Is there any hope at all. If God let anyone into heaven who at least made an effort to search for truth I think it would be fair, but many would argue that you have to follow the one right way. But if there is no real way to discern the one right way without being a super intellectual (like my husband, and even he says he is struggling to understand things) then how can a mere mortal like me have hope?

Joy and Happiness

2007-06-09T18:36:00.000-07:00

Today's Sabbath School class was taught by the ever effervescent LeClaire Litchfeild...also known as "Litch" We talked about the differences between Joy and Happiness (a subject also discussed in the C.S. Lewis book Surprised by Joy)

Well with Litch's charming personality, the goodwill that is normally at hand in that Sabbath school class, and the positive and moving subject matter, I could not help but feel a tugging at the heart strings. I felt moved to abandon my skepticism and doubts and to throw myself at the feet of Jesus, so that I might experience that joy which transcends circumstance.

And indeed if the Gospel according to Litch was all there was I would simply and happily convert myself back to a full fledged SDA...

But then...

Is Litch joyful because he has discovered God, or is Litch joyful because he has discovered joy, using Christianity as a vehicle.

Does one have to be a Christian to experience Joy in it's fullest.

The Most Hated Family in America

2007-06-08T16:14:00.000-07:00

I recently watched the documentary "The Most Hated Family in America" by the Amazing Louis Theroux. (He has many more documentaries available to watch on Google Video-Watch them!)

The views of the Phelps family are deplorable to most people, yet some of their behaviors remind me of "saner" groups of Christians.

They seemed unable to recognize their own cherry picking of scriptures to support their beliefs.

They stayed within their own insular group and kept "outsiders" at bay.

The felt getting the TRUTH out was more important that respecting others as people.

There were a few other things that seemed creepily familiar to me but I will have to watch the documentary again to remember.

My main thoughts though were worry for the brainwashed children of this cult...except that they seemed happy and secure in their delusions, not insecure and miserable like I am with my little slices of truth.
At the same time I wanted to shout to them...but there is so much more!

The other main thought was how all the attention that the media and rival protest groups are giving the Phelps seems to be adding fuel to the fire. Maybe if people ignored them or simply treated them only with loving kindness they might see their error. All this hating them back only reinforces the Phelps beliefs.

I also enjoyed watching a dharma talk on superstition by this guy. It was good to see that one of the main things that troubled me about Buddhism also troubled this Buddhist monk. He also pointed out some superstitions I cling to and simple ways to avoid living superstitiously.

in other news...

Volunteering with Bridge Refugee Services seems to be a bust. We filled out the forms and attended the initial meeting, but haven't heard anything back. Last time I had to play a long game of phone tag, and calling back after hearing nothing just to get to the point of attending the first meeting. I don't want to be to hard on them because I know from personal experience what a chore it is to manage volunteers, but we are willing and ready to help so utilize us already.

I have started refering to myself as less than fully Adventist in conversations with strangers. On a recent camping trip I told a Park Ranger who learned that I had attended Southern that I was a "Bad-ventist" after he teased me and my fellow campers about camping on the Sabbath.
A parent at my preschool explained that he understood our Meat Free school policy since he grew up SDA. I said I "grew up SDA" too instead of saying, "I am SDA"

As mentiond in my last post, I think this is all just a "trying out the novelty" phase. Seeing as I still go to church and eat Big Franks, I still feel mostly SDA.

Thanks for all the responses so far. They are appreciated. I am working on some more posts, so keep on reading.

Where is the Jealous Ex?

2007-06-07T19:05:00.000-07:00

I think I am using my new interest in Buddhism/Humanism/Whateverism as a sort of re-bound boyfriend. I wonder if I can make the ex-boyfriend. (Adventism/God/Jesus) jealous so he will fight to get me back. So far the ex hasn't put up much of a fight. I haven't stopped going to church. I try and make it to my hubby's Sabbath school when I can. (still helping out in Kindergarten II despite feeling like a total hypocrite sometimes...but they need the help, even if it's from an sort of agnostic, Buddhism leaning, Jesus loving/distrusting, mixed-up girl like me. I mean, some one has to help the kids glue those crafts together. The faithful are not volunteering in droves) I have listened to some Christian sermons and prayed occasionally but most of what I learn and hear reaffirms my drifting away. Sermons that are meant to bolster the faith just leave me suspicious of Christian pressure tactics. Still I know I haven't given Christianity a fair shake yet. I think the novelty of being a half-ventist, non-believer or Buddhist is what is really appealing to me right now. I find it similar to the novelty of owning a new dress, or getting new hair-style. That is not to say that I don't have some major problems with the Christian perspective I inherited ,because I do, but I am also just really intrigued by the idea of a spiritual "lifestyle" change. Shallow, I know, but what can I do? Blindly repent and go running back to the old boyfriend, begging him in tears to take me back, when I don't know why I was even with him in the first place? I hope not.

Posting at last...

2007-05-19T17:52:00.001-07:00

As with most things in life, I've had a hard time consistantly writing in this blog. I have been doing a lot of thinking, but not recording my thoughts like I intended to.

I think I am just going to give a run down on the high/low points and hopefully expand on a few of them later.

I finished reading The Way of the Pilgrim an interesting little book about a Russian pilgrim and his experience with the practice of unceasing prayer. This book was given to me as part of a set. The other two books were by D.J. Salinger. Both Salinger books were about the fictional Glass family. (a very confused and confusing fictional family) In the book I read first, Franny and Zooey, the character Franny has read The Way of the Pilgrim and it has a profound effect on her which drives the rest of the story. I'll try and do a longer post of these books later.

My husband and I went to an meeting at Bridge Refugee Services, turned in our paperwork and will hopefully being doing some ESL teaching soon, and maybe other things later.

We also went to Nashville and slept in cardboard boxes a few weeks ago as part of Displace Me an event put together by the group Invisible Children.

In financial matters have split our tithe money among between a few different charitable organization, instead of tithing only to the local church as we have done in the past. We still gave some money through the church, because despite my spiritual instability I still think our church does a pretty good job.

I am still researching Buddhism, and my latest post to the Buddha boards beliefnetprovoked a heated debate. Okay, it was a Mac V PC debate, having little to do with Buddhism. My actual question actually generated only friendly and helpful advice, but my P.S. asking if anyone else had trouble loading beliefnet on their Macs caused a funny little firestorm. (Actually it was all in good fun.)

I recently read The Road by Cormac McCarty, a book which wouldn't let me go. (I finished it the day after I bought it) but I think I will have to read it again, because I think I haven't fully grasped it's meaning. In a way, it was straightforward story, but it was also filled with messages about human nature, spirituality, and lots of other good stuff which I think I missed in my super fast reading.

In other news, my pastor, of whom I complain, rarely gives any practical application in his sermons finally gave some. He cited a study which showed the benefits of kissing your spouse in the morning. Apparently you will have better health and finances if you regularly kiss in morning. I am taking this study very seriously much to my husbands delight. =)

Well that is all the updates I can handle for now.

More later...if I don't slack off again.

What a weekend...

2007-03-04T16:36:00.000-08:00

I really been feeling the need to get reinvolved in the community here. In the past I have volunteered at the Chambliss Shelter, and I still to some work with the Kindergarten class but I have been pretty self absorbed lately. We were going to try and start up our little Bible Study that we had for so many years but recently kinda dropped, but I have been sick the last two Friday nights. This weekend however provided to great oppurtunites for Will and I. On Saturday our friend invited us to a meeting of the Adventist Peace Fellowship
We are going to attend their future events and see where we can get involved.

Today, we went to see the film God Grew Tired of Us. This film followed some of the Lost Boys of Sudan who came to America as refugees. Afterwards we attended a reception where we meet some of the refugees and learned about the refugee support program here in Chattanooga.
We spoke to the volunteer coordinator and will hopefully be helping out soon.

No matter where I land theologically I know that giving of myself needs to be a major part of my life. I am really excited about these two great opportunities.

2007-02-12T17:39:00.000-08:00

Growing up Adventist I got the impression you were not supposed to look into other religions too deeply, lest you put yourself at risk for "falling away." One highschool Bible study teacher went so far as to say that he never sought widsom anywhere except for the Bible and EGW.

Well that is all fine and dandy if our faith is the "correct" one. But what if someone grows up Muslim. They may, depending on their circumstances (I know not all Muslims have a conservative upbringing), have even harsher restrictions placed upon them to keep them from learning about other faiths. How can we expect them to come to our "precious truth" when we warn our own against looking into other religions.

I just don't see how anyone is supposed to know anything for certain unless they are willing to look outside of what they have always been taught...

BUT THEN...

There are SOOOOOOO many different religions, philosophies, ideas, etc to look into it seems their is no realistic way to discern between them.

Our pat answer as Adventists is that the "Holy Spirit" will guide us into all truth...

but let's face it. There are plenty of caring, commited, sincere individuals who are not being led to Adventism. In fact some seem to be being led out of Adventism.

So...what is the answer for the sincere seeker. Trust that God is big enough to see us through to the truth? Trust a God who only revealed himself to the Jews for a few millenium? Errr...this really scaring me.

That wee little man...

2007-02-10T08:51:00.000-08:00

I was helping out in Kindergarten Sabbath School today. The teacher was telling the story of Zacchaeus, the tax collector. It occurred to me what a unique lesson is found in Zacchaeus. I think most of us can accept that we need to love the lame, the poor, the blind, and the needy. It's not that hard to have sympathy for them. However it's much harder for us to love the greedy "tax collectors" of this world. Loving people who purposefully cheat us and who cause injustice seems nearly impossible.

So I started thinking, "What if I view people's vices as another form of disability or poverty?" I guess that is the way Jesus saw the greed of Zacchaeus. I mean you wouldn't get angry at a blind person for not being able to see. Is is possible to view the hate, injustice, greed, wickedness etc we see in others in the same light as physical or material disadvantages.

I know when I tried to give up actively hating George Bush it was pretty dang hard. I still have to turn off NPR when I hear him speaking. Yet I find my life a lot easier to live now that I am not continually angry at him. I don't think it's made a a difference in his life yet. =) But if he was someone I knew personally who I managed to stop hating and started treating kindly it could make a big difference for the both of us.

I'm me in any religion...

2007-02-06T18:01:00.000-08:00

So I discovered something which I probably should have known...My stick-to-itivesness is lacking no matter what faith I try to practice. After several nights of meditation I just sort of stopped for no apparent reason. I also stopped reading and researching Buddhism and writing in this blog. So apparently my lack of determination isn't limited to my practice of Christianity. I suppose I should have known this...but I held out hope that it was God's fault, not mine, for not endowing me with the ability to prayer regularily and have devotions. This way I could avoid the blame for my spiritual failings. Now I see that my failures are clearly my own fault...but also that I have the power to change this. I don't have to wait around for God to bless me with desire. I just have to pick up and try again when I fail. I can use this knowledge no matter what faith I decide to practice.

The longest 15 minutes of my life!

2007-01-25T16:04:00.000-08:00

So I just made it through a 15 minute Mindfullness of Breathing mediation. Just when I was about to break down and check how long I had been meditating the timer I'd set went off and I was SO HAPPY! Proud of myself for making it and glad to be done with it. I do plan on waking up tomorrow morning and doing it all over again. I am not sure if it will get easier or harder. I am glad for anything that improves my self discipline though. Yes, somtimes I like claim that all my problems come from fear...but that is not true. A good portion of my problems are from lack of self discipline and abiltiy to see things through. I think mediation is going to help me with this. Why look, after just 15 mintues of meditation I am actually finishing a blog entry. You have no idea how many I start or just think of but never see through to completion. Well off to try and use my new powers of self discipline on the dishes.
Bye for now.

Compare best with best...

2007-01-24T17:07:00.000-08:00

I heard it said...somewhere...I don't remember where, that a big mistake people make when comparing their own religion to another religion is that they compare the best of their religion with the worst of the other religion. To be truly fair one should compare best with best and worst with worst. I am sort of doing the opposite with my study of Buddhism. Christian, SDA is my religious background, but I tend towards comparing SDA's worst with Buddhisms best. This is probably because I haven't been giving my own faith background a fair shake. I am not really bitter against my background. I have had mainly positive experiences in the church, but I see a lot of things lacking and I see a lot of teachings which haven't been backed up properly by church authorities. Although I love SDA people I have become pretty disillusioned with their way of presenting the "TRUTH" and find it very shallow. So when I study Buddhism, I tend to compare it to shallow SDA presentations rather than the deeper gems of Christianity. Studying Ecclesiasties for my talk this coming Saturday is helping me a lot. I have heard that Ecclesiasties reads like a Dharmic text. I am seeing a lot of the themes of Buddhism mirrored there. Maybe I am not really looking for another religion. Maybe Buddhism can help me find what is deep and meaningful in my own religion. I just need to stop comparing SDA's worst to Buddhism's best.

Practice versus Belief

2007-01-20T17:46:00.000-08:00

I think I am still a practicing Christian. I pray, and go to church and even volunteer at my church. I am even speaking for an adult Sabbath School class next week...but am I am believing Christian? That is what I am still trying to figure out. I am also practicing a couple of elements of Buddhism right now. These are things that harmonize pretty well with the Christian faith. You might even be able to find counterparts within Christianity but I got the ideas from my studies of Buddhism. Maybe it takes a different perspective before you can really grasp onto something. The way the Buddhists explained things just made more sense, even though I probably could have gotten the same basic ideas from Christianity.

Anyways...event though I am practicing elements of Buddhism I am not a believer in Buddhism. For me all belief is really up in the air. I am not sure what think is true and what to put my faith in. I continue to practice though, because I continue to hope that the answers will come. I want to believe that a loving God will come through for a true seeker.
I want to believe enlightenment is possible, be it through one faith or another.

I am not sure what it's going to take to be a true believer. I know having all the facts isn't going to do it. Maybe if I have a real experience with God I might get there. Or maybe it will take me a few life times of good Karma before I find the answers. (Sheesh, that sounds depressing) I really don't want to go the way of the atheists and give up on the Mystery all together. I want to believe there is something beyond cold science. I guess my real question is how can I be an honest seeker, with an open mind and have confidence in a God I cannot explain. Well I'll just keep practicing and we'll see if I get any better at it.

2007-01-19T20:24:00.000-08:00

So on the external view, here is what my religious life looks like...

Raised by not very conservative, yet practicing, Seventh-day Adventist parents

Baptized into the SDA church at a young age

Attended SDA Highschool and College

Missionary for 1 year in Korea with SDA Language Institute

Worked at Trinity Broadcasting Network for 2 year...influenced somewhat by that perspective

Currently teaching at a Jewish Pre-School...enjoying the rituals of Shabbat but haven't studied much Jewish thought

Still attending SDA Church...and teaching from time to time in a Kindergarten Sabbath School, after being the main leader for a couple of years

and now studying Buddhism...

Makes sense doesn't it? No? I don't entirely understand it either. But as I said that was just an external overview of my religious life. It's a little harder to mine the real reasons for my beliefs, or lack there of...

It's as easy as ABC

2007-01-19T18:05:00.000-08:00

Want to join a religion? Why it's as easy as ABC!

Allah...Buddha...Christ...ABC!

hmmm...I think I could waste a good few hours coming up with a religious alphabet.

This will not be one of my deepest posts...but here I go. I am going to try and come up with the words on my own. No wikipedia or beliefnet for me.

Allah
Buddha
Christ
Dharma, Dogma
Ellen White, Evangelical
Faith
Guru
Hindu
Isaiah
Jainism, Jesus, Jehovah, Jew
Kharma
Lord, Leviticus, Lamentations
Meditation, Mass
Nirvana, Nun
Omnipotent
Prayer, Pope
Quakers
Religion, Rastifarian
Salvation
Trinity
Unitarian Universalist
Venerable, Vision
Winter Solstice, Weslyan
Xodohtro (ok this is Orthodox backward but I can't think of an X)
Yaweh
Zorastrian

Why Fearless Wonder

2007-01-19T17:35:00.000-08:00

I chose the title "Fearless Wonder" because that is what i dream of becoming. Fear is what is keeping me from all the wonderful things I think of doing. Yes, I realize that "The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom." ...but that is just the beginning. Perfect love casts out fear after all.
I have spent a lot of my life fearing what God will do to me if I don't act right. Not that this fear has ever gotten me to act right for long though. I only started acting "right" when I started really loving myself and others.
Right now, as look at various spiritual paths I could take, my main thought is "How could this help me be free from fear. How could this help me live in love."

I don't know the answers yet, but I am hoping.

Finding the Differences...

2007-01-18T17:35:00.000-08:00

So far it seems the main difference between Buddhism and Christianity is Buddhism says "You can." Christianity says "You can't...without God."
Many of the practices and moral behaviors are the same.