Buddhist Perfectionist
At times I feel very nervous talking with others about my Buddhist practice. It's hard to explain and I am sure, hard to understand, especially coming from an Adventist perspective.
For awhile I was actually kind of angry at Christians, especially Adventists for looking down on Buddhism. All the Christian articles on Buddhism I'd read were really misinformed and inaccurate. The Adventist views of what meditation is were really wrong. I wanted to defend Buddhism, and make people see how prejudiced they were being.
I also wanted to defend Buddhism from a personal level. I was still very insecure about my practice. I felt nervous and unsure about doing something so many Christians believe is wrong. So I tried to be a perfect meditator. I thought that if I could practice perfectly and have all these great character improvements than no one could look down on me. The Bible says "By their fruits you will know them" and I was determined to have great Buddhist fruits.
The led to a very strained practice. If I meditated and then got angry during the day I would get really nervous. "Maybe this whole Buddhist thing is just what the Christians say...evil. After all I got angry even on a day when I meditated."
I wasn't able to relax into my practice because I was so worried about outcomes. Worst of all I wasn't able to accept my self. Now the cycle of depression, anxiety attacks and perfectionism that so plauged me in Christianity was creeping its way into Buddhism.
But when I really thought about it, I couldn't blame Buddhism. After all Christianity had seemed to make me angry, depressed and anxious when I practiced it. What I came to realize was it wasn't the fault of either faith. It was me choosing to warp Christianity and Buddhism to fit my self-hating mindset. To really change, to really grow, I had to stop trying to be perfect. I needed to smile at my anger, smile and my depression and anxiety and give myself unconditional love and the freedom to just be.
The tools of Buddhism when practiced with compassion for myself, helped me to overcome this perfection mindset. Also I have been more generous in my view of Christianity, now that my warped view of it has been changed.
I'm still not sure where I am headed with all of this. I would like to be able to talk with my friends more openly and honestly about these things. But while I am glad that my Buddhist perfectionism has passed, it still makes me nervous because it means I have to open up and be vulnerable.
It's funny how I always criticized Christians for acting like they had all the answers, but I wanted to act the same way with Buddhism. Oh well.
For awhile I was actually kind of angry at Christians, especially Adventists for looking down on Buddhism. All the Christian articles on Buddhism I'd read were really misinformed and inaccurate. The Adventist views of what meditation is were really wrong. I wanted to defend Buddhism, and make people see how prejudiced they were being.
I also wanted to defend Buddhism from a personal level. I was still very insecure about my practice. I felt nervous and unsure about doing something so many Christians believe is wrong. So I tried to be a perfect meditator. I thought that if I could practice perfectly and have all these great character improvements than no one could look down on me. The Bible says "By their fruits you will know them" and I was determined to have great Buddhist fruits.
The led to a very strained practice. If I meditated and then got angry during the day I would get really nervous. "Maybe this whole Buddhist thing is just what the Christians say...evil. After all I got angry even on a day when I meditated."
I wasn't able to relax into my practice because I was so worried about outcomes. Worst of all I wasn't able to accept my self. Now the cycle of depression, anxiety attacks and perfectionism that so plauged me in Christianity was creeping its way into Buddhism.
But when I really thought about it, I couldn't blame Buddhism. After all Christianity had seemed to make me angry, depressed and anxious when I practiced it. What I came to realize was it wasn't the fault of either faith. It was me choosing to warp Christianity and Buddhism to fit my self-hating mindset. To really change, to really grow, I had to stop trying to be perfect. I needed to smile at my anger, smile and my depression and anxiety and give myself unconditional love and the freedom to just be.
The tools of Buddhism when practiced with compassion for myself, helped me to overcome this perfection mindset. Also I have been more generous in my view of Christianity, now that my warped view of it has been changed.
I'm still not sure where I am headed with all of this. I would like to be able to talk with my friends more openly and honestly about these things. But while I am glad that my Buddhist perfectionism has passed, it still makes me nervous because it means I have to open up and be vulnerable.
It's funny how I always criticized Christians for acting like they had all the answers, but I wanted to act the same way with Buddhism. Oh well.
Comments
From a personal standpoint, I feel that the Bible includes all that is necessary to live a fulfilling life and provide answers to my questions. Basically, this means I see no need to look to other teachings for answers.
I personally have no problem with someone who does do so though. I just think they don't need to...
Anyway, I need to be studying genetics, so I better stop procrastinating and get to it.
Take care.
They have been cruel, perfectionist, anal people who analyize everything to a crippling level. The most warm people I have ever met have been either christians or muslims, I never ask someone what their religion is, usually I listen to them talk about things and sometimes over the years, it comes up.
Yes for a very long time I was unsatisfied with christianity but the puzzling number of former christians who seemed to be religion hunting gave me pause, especially since people who follow their christian and islamic teachings closely -not some sect or charismatic figure- have been the most kind hearted human beings I have ever come in contact with,
these people usually are shy and reserved about their faith as opposed to popular christianity that is pretty much wicca/sun worship/gnosticism though nobody realizes it, thats why so many people are leaving the christian church, because its been gutted in the main stream of its soul, not that i am criticising wiccans sun worshippers or gnostics.
If you feel you have found your path please follow it and stick with it, then you will be a blessing in someone's life and make the difference for them at some undetermined time, meditation is a good thing but something more needs to come to buddhist practice some kindness practice, there is something missing from it, some level of human touch, something signifigant, something warm.
I would urge you to study every religion you can, what they are on paper and how people live them, it has been a great help to me.
I suppose I have a little monk still in me from all the unsolicited criticism- ugh bad girl, no cookie for me, thank you for writing this, I was feeling sad trying to understand someone's mean words, this really did help
:)