Fearless Wonder

Maybe things would have been different if my church schools had been more willing to address real spiritual questions, rather than trying to keep me and my classmates from sex, drugs and rock n roll. I wasn't really interested in drugs anyways, was to shy to get a boyfriend, and I liked Musicals! I remember one teacher asking us to write down the lyrics from our favorite song and bring it in. I thinking she was hoping to point out how ungodly our taste in Rock n Roll was. I must have confused her when I brought in the lyrics to "Don't cry for me Argentina" I don't recall any place were there was real opportunity to dialogue about doubt. Sabbath School was only for believers, so my doubts just festered in silence and grew. I still don't use drugs, I waited till marriage, and I like indie folk music. Chalk one up for Adventist Education. Oh wait, did I mention I am thinking of converting to Buddhism?

This is a follow-up to my previous blog post. Looking back maybe I shouldn't have added the second question. It is important to me but the first question, is what I am really interested in. What did this girl do that she needs to be forgiven of? If Christ died for our sins, what sins did this girl commit? I can accept that Christ died to heal our broken nature, but when it comes to forgiving our sins, I have trouble. I think there are a whole lot of people who are victims of this world and haven't had much choice when it comes to their "sinful" actions. If a child is born blind you don't say that the child is a sinner because of blindness. Mistakes they make due to being blind, you don't count against them. Hopefully you work with them to give them skills to cope in a sighted world. I have a big problem with this idea that we are sinners condemned to die because of our crimes, and that Christ pardons us. If we are going to use a court room analogy I

Imagine a girl born into an abusive, poverty stricken home. She is sold by her parents for money and put to work in the sex trade. Before they can put her to work she is beaten, drugged and repeatedly raped to get her desensitized. Then she is put to work servicing 20 or more men a day. Finally she gets up the courage to escape, but is caught by her captors, beaten and killed. What did this girl do that she needs to be forgiven of? What do you think will happen to this girl when she dies? By the way the girl I described above is not imaginary. "Each year an estimated 800,000- 900,000 human beings are bought, sold, or forced across the world's borders (2003 U.S. State Department estimate). Among them are hundreds of thousands of teenage girls, and others as young as 5, who fall victim to the sex trade. There's a special evil in the abuse and exploitation of the most innocent and vulnerable. The victims of the sex trade see little of life before they see the very worst

I made the mistake of drinking sweet tea. It doesn't have as strong an effect on me as most coffee does, but it's enough to keep me up thinking, which might or might now be a bad thing. Here are some revelations, probably only for me, It's okay to realize you are not doing all you can to love people. It encourages you to look for new ways to help. It keeps you from becoming self satisfied and lazy. It is not okay to beat yourself up and make yourself miserable because you are not doing all you can for others. When Will and I were starting ESL we asked the woman introducing us if the amount we committed too would be enough. The lady said "How much is enough?" or "Can there ever be enough"... something like that. You have to be at peace with the fact that you can never do enough. This is a tension I am learning to live with. Pushing myself to love more, while not hating myself for the little I do love. It is also okay to realize you are not per

At times I feel very nervous talking with others about my Buddhist practice. It's hard to explain and I am sure, hard to understand, especially coming from an Adventist perspective. For awhile I was actually kind of angry at Christians, especially Adventists for looking down on Buddhism. All the Christian articles on Buddhism I'd read were really misinformed and inaccurate. The Adventist views of what meditation is were really wrong. I wanted to defend Buddhism, and make people see how prejudiced they were being. I also wanted to defend Buddhism from a personal level. I was still very insecure about my practice. I felt nervous and unsure about doing something so many Christians believe is wrong. So I tried to be a perfect meditator. I thought that if I could practice perfectly and have all these great character improvements than no one could look down on me. The Bible says "By their fruits you will know them" and I was determined to have great Buddhist frui

I'm acting more like a Fearless Wonder these days. It shows in little things, like talking to people on the elevator at my building, and in big things like getting my ESL student connected with a caseworker, and going out alone to do the tutoring. The phrase "moving beyond fear" is more appropriate than fearless. Of course I still get the jitters about things. I just choose not to let the jitters rule my actions. My fearlessness, or move beyond fear has really been the result of a new embrace of reality. When I was controlled by my fears, I was always trying to manipulate reality, by avoiding the hard stuff, by zoning out, by escapism, by not seeking challenges. But in all my avoiding of fear I wasn't getting happier or more peaceful. At some point I realized I had to accept reality and face it. I also had to learn to trust in myself to meet its challenges. I find reality, life as it is, so joyful when I am not trying to control it. We spend so much time wor

Every spiritual tradition has em'. Flaws Flaws Flaws. But I'm grateful for them because the flaws make you look deeper. I really don't respect people who write off whole religions because of their flaws. It seems simple minded. You aren't going to find something perfect elsewhere. It's like people who get divorced because their partner is flawed. They get remarried thinking the new partner will be perfect and meet all their needs, but after time the cracks show. Love is only love when you can accept someone warts and all. And I don't really having a problem practicing a faith with flaws. I think the flaws make your practice more solid. If you can cling to the heart of faith, then you can deal with the flaws that arise. The people who believe their tradition is perfect sometimes fall away hardest when confronted with their faiths imperfection. I do have a problem with the claim that one faith is better than another. I don't really see what people

My husband and I had been tutoring some refugees in English since last November. We had to skip a weekend with them, and the next weekend when we called, they had all moved and were living in separate places. The one who speaks good English hasn't gotten us in touch with the ones we were mainly tutoring, and the lady who set us up with them is trying to find them for us, but has told me it may take some time. I was hesitant to start tutoring them because of general selfishness, they live so far away, it will take up so much time.. etc, but in the end I really enjoyed being with them and I think they enjoyed us. We were doing such a small service for them, but for me that were doing a great service. I was wanting something to give to. Despite all my religious questions it was and is clear to me that sharing and loving others is an essential practice. They gave me a place I could live out that practice. And in practicing they became people I loved. Now that we've disconnecte

Well I had my first taste of wine a couple of weeks ago. Granted it happened at a communion service, so I don't think it counts for much. We visited a small church which meets in the back of a coffee shop and took communion with them. Shortly before we took communion it occurred to me that not all Christians use Welches Grape Juice at communion. Most/Many? use real wine. So I dipped my bread in sparingly. I was really giggly afterwards but I think it was because I was so amused to have finally tasted wine after 29 years. I was talking with a friend recently, comparing spiritual notes. I told my friend I had not been praying to Jesus to save me, even when I felt the emotional pressure to do so. But afterwards when I was telling another friend about tasting wine, I realized I might be a bit of a hypocrite. If I am taking communion, isn't that the same as asking Jesus to save me? I have been very resistant to "fall into the arms of Jesus", pray the sinners praye

We went to another great Emergent Cohort last night. The topic was sex trafficking, in particular, the trafficking of young girls who are sold into sexual slavery. A women from Innocence Atlanta informed us that Atlanta is number 1 city in the nation for sex trafficking due to the airport. We mainly talked about the causes and possible solutions to this problem, but the one true story the Innocence Atlanta representative shared at the beginning was truly terrifying and heartbreaking. She told us of a young girl and her sister kidnapped from Moldovia, rapped, beaten, (the sister died) then trafficked from Europe to New York. Like many others this girl was sent to work all over the country, it keeps them from forming bonds. She was forced to service 20 men a day and her life was constantly at risk. When she finally managed to escape she as recaptured several times, beat again and again, and finally died in the hospital before the rescue agency could get to her. The story is told i

I've been taking communion, and asking myself why? What do I mean by this? What do I see in this? We've been going to a house church on Sunday night* and they have communion each week, so I've had to consider this rite more frequently. We had communion at my SDA church this Saturday too so I guess I got a double helping this weekend. The Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh has taken part in the Eucharist. He said in reference to that, "To me, religious life is life. I do not see any reason to spend one's whole life tasting just one kind of fruit. We humans can be nourished by the best values of many traditions." He also considers the Eucharist/Communion a call to mindfulness which puts us in touch with ultimate reality, with Christ. In taking communion I am trying to touch what Christ might be and take what he might offer. What he is and what he offers, I don't know for certain. I have said that I am Buddhist already because in a very practical sense I

I've been on hiatus from deep thinking. It was becoming to much to handle. Even though I believe its impossible to be absolutely sure of anything, my Adventist mentality still tells me it's possible to have THE TRUTH. So my brain was rocketing back and forth between belief systems, trying to make something stick, but realizing that every belief system is full of flaws. A recent death in the family helped propel my need to stop thinking. It was getting to much to handle and I just had to let things be for awhile. I watched sappy Korean dramas and avoided spirituality. After awhile though, it turned from avoidance into good old depression. Thankfully it was free from panic attacks and rabid self destructive hate. I just sort of didn't do anything for a few days. Coming back to life now, but still unsure of anything. I guess it is going to have to be that way for awhile. Yet is still bothers me that so many people claim to know the TRUTH, know God, have the answers.