Fearless Wonder

I have had a lot of my mind and heart the last two weeks. So much that I kind of lost interest in understanding why people drink. (For the record I am still "non-alcoholic") A lot of troubling issues have come up recently, and I started getting a bit depressed. I practiced breathing, mindfulness and meditation. I opened the door of my heart to myself. I worked hard to think reasonably about the situations. These things helped to keep me from a downward spiral, from the kind of breakdowns I have had in the past, but still the sadness traveled with me. The Buddhists talk about breathing kind energy to the places that are hurting you. When I try and fight so hard against negative thinking it usually gets a lot worse. Instead of fighting and getting angry at myself for negative thoughts I practiced sending kindness to those bitter, worried, anxious, and negative parts of my brain. This helped a lot. But still the sadness traveled with me. And finally I realized it was alr

Thanks to all the the responses to my "Dogs become Street Stoics" entry. There are still a few people I am hoping to get a response from before I write a longer response post. In the meantime here are some questions for those who drink. People say drinking helps you relax in a social setting. Would it be possible to relax and be authentic with people without alcohol? If you had a close friend or family member who was an alcoholic would it change your drinking habits? How do you know if you have alcoholic leanings? Will you become an alcoholic shortly after you start drinking due to your biological make-up? For those Christian drinkers, did you start drinking because you found out the Bible doesn't say it's a sin? I know I was taught that it was one of the worst sins, but I know the Bible doesn't back this up. I'd love to hear all your answers. You can e-mail me or message me on myspace as some people have done, or comment directly on the blog.

I had a bizarre dream last night in which the phrase "Dogs become street stoics" appeared. Seems prophetic, no? Okay, so I really have no idea what that phrase means. I doubt it means much at all, just random brain twitching during sleep. Another part of my dream did have some events worth considering. Often the issues I am wrestling with, or have wrestled with appear in my dreams. I have dreams about high school insecurity, job fears, friendship and family issues. I still dream about massive fights with my mother even though we haven't really fought for several years. One common dream I was having was the "heaven/salvation" dream in which the end times were upon me and I managed to get saved. I was never "lost" in any of my end time dreams. It should be noted that I have a great deal of will power when it comes to dreaming. I rarely have nightmares, and when something bad does happen in my dreams I can usually work my way out of it. Often i

Will and I just finished reading "The Year of Living Biblically: One Man's Humble Quest to Follow the Bible as Literally as Possible." The amazon listing is here. If you have ever struggled with the Bible you should read this book. Jacobs is very funny, but the book is never insulting. He takes his project seriously and honestly engages the Bible. He also honestly engages with people from a multitude of religion backgrounds whom he meets while doing this project. I don't want to say too much and ruin the book for you, but it's worth reading. Will and I both couldn't put it down. Enjoy!

NOTE: I started this post Thanksgiving day, and didn't post it till several days later. Mitzvah is a term from Judaism meaning one the of the 613 commandments in the Torah, but is commonly used to refer to a good deed. At my former preschool we had a MItzvah tree where the kids could put up little paper MItzvah leaves with their good deeds written on them. Will and I did our little Thanksgiving mitzvah last night. We volunteered for a couple of hours for Hosea Feed the Hungry and Homeless which does a giant homeless feed for Thanksgiving (among many other things) We did the food preparation part at a jail. (I had to call my dad and tell him I'd been to jail) Will mainly hauled cans and I pulled Turkey meat off the bones. I guess today hundreds more volunteers will set up at a local stadium, serve the food and clean up. This is really a very huge effort. Our food prep at the jail was just one of many places people could go volunteer at. Most people at the jail signed up

Ajahn Brahm says (big paraphrase here) that when you are single, always wishing for a mate, never happy to be alone, you have singles suffering. Then when you finally meet the love of your life, and getting married, well then, then you have married suffering. I have been disappointed with myself for sometime now. You see I used to be smart. I used to be the one who was going to be someone. I had amazing grades in school. I was a great, writer, poet, loved acting, pretty good at art and just destined...destined to be something amazing by 25... right? Well here I am at 29 working in childcare. (like my mother...the horror) I'm don't even have my own classroom like I did in Chattanooga. Thanks to the annoying Georgia residency requirements I won't be able to afford to start my Master's degree until May 2009. A lot of my friends are busy professionals doing what they went to school for. Some of my friends are really starting to "make it" But me, I am ju

I was driving my van load of kids, eight total, from their preschool to our children's center. As per usual I was telling them to remember to use quiet voices. Then one of the kids piped up, "Hey let's play the quiet game." Now for those of you who don't know about the quiet games, it is a game invented by adults I'm sure, in which you have to see who can stay quiet the longest. It tends to be suggested when kids are getting really crazy so the adult can have a few moments of peace. Now this time a child had suggested it and the other kids seemed interested in playing, so I upped the stakes. "I'll give a sticker to anyone who can stay quiet all the way to H.H. (the children's center)" Well a couple of kids yelled out, "See how quiet I am being" I reminded them that this too was talking. Then they settled down and started to play in earnest. If you have ever played the quiet games with small children (these kids were ages 3 to

I can't ever believe in the God I once thought I knew. It was a God shaped by my own guilt complexes and conditioning. A God who claimed to offer grace but only gave out impossible rules to follow. But I am trying to see if a real God is out there. What would that God look like? How would I know if I found Him/Her? What role would that God serve in my life, and what role would I serve in that God's plans. I really have no answer to these questions right now. But I am keeping myself connected to God seeking communities and staying open. One of my biggest obstacles is that I am still clinging to resentment and fear. I am fearful of what my "Old God" will do to me for leaving him. I am resentful because of all the harmful ways of thinking I was taught and admittedly self-taught. If I am going to move forward I need to stop whining about my past. If you see me complaining about how unfair "God" is or how annoying Adventists are on this blog again I wa

I was having an interesting conversation with my brother yesterday. We were talking about churches, and small groups, and some of the pros and cons of different ones in their approaches. We both agreed that Churches that watered down things too much were not good because they produced a lower quality of believer. I think if a person is a true seeker, they will be patient and study out any difficult points of doctrine they encounter in the church they are visiting. If pastor waters things down too much, he won't be feeding the believers, and will only attract converts who are not serious about their faith. I think the true seeker isn't really put off by confusing insider language. When I first went to the Bodhi center in Chattanooga, I learned lots of new words and terms like Sangha and "The three jewels." I wasn't put off at all. I expected that as a new comer there would be things I didn't understand, and that I would have to follow up on if I was intere

I recently posted in a Buddhist forum about Grace. The next day I heard a sermon about Grace and realized I had to recant some my opinions from the post I'd made. I still believe that there is a Grace in Buddhism, but I was unfair in my characterization of Christianity. You can read my post here My post was a reaction to an argument I've heard about why Christianity is better than all other religions. The argument says that Christianity is better because we have Grace through the shed blood of Jesus, while all other religions have to work to get "saved" (whatever that means) In the post I characterized the Christian concept of Grace based on my own struggle with perfectionism. In my view of Christianity, you were given salvation/grace but then had to strive, struggle and sweat towards perfection. Since this struggle towards perfection never got me anywhere, and the grace I've found in Buddhism has helped me, I wrote very positively about Buddhism and very ne

I have the tendency to want to start off my posts with an apology for not having posted in awhile...but I am not going to do that. No apology what so ever. If you think I am a mean heartless witch for not considering your feelings...so what. I don't care. Get over it. (This is me learning not to feel overly guilty about everything. But already I feel guilty for telling you to "Get over it". Ahhh, but I won't say I am sorry. You can just deal with it. ) Anyways... I have had a lot I wanted to write about. A lot I have even tried to write about. I have sat down and begun countless blog posts but never finished them. Why...Because I am so uncertain about everything, and even as I write I change my mind, and realize I have multiple views on certain subjects. I feel like if I commit my thoughts to type, then I will be saying things I really don't mean, believe or understand. I give very little importance to my own opinion these days. I am sympathetic to a var

Well, we are half-way settled in Atlanta now I can't make any excuses not to update now. First a brief overview of my recent spiritual activites... I am reading Living Buddha, Living Christ by Thich Naht Hahn. It presents a lot of ways the practices of Buddhism and Christianity actually harmonize. I don't know about all his conclusions yet, but it made me appreciate the depth of the Christian tradtion more. I have been sorta focusing on the negative shallow aspects of Christianity lately, and forgetting the good and beautiful parts. I am still listening to Ajahn Brahm and enjoying his silly jokes. We've visted a couple of SDA churches in Atlanta. The one we thought the friendliest comes with a 45 minute drive but we have a few more to check out. We enjoyed visiting the Collegedale SDA church this past Saturday morning. (We can drive for 2 hours to go to the Renewal Sabbath School every week, right?) We enjoyed Sabbath school as always and found the sermon on community mo

This weekend I had a chance to spend time with a lot of friends. Some were my closest friends, some were friends I used to be closer to, some were people I just like to have fun with. Some were people I wish I had more time to develop closer friendships with. In my mind heaven is heaven because you'd get to spend eternity developing friendships. They say that hell is other people...Well heaven can be other people too. I feel saddened to be expanding the distance between my friends and I. I am glad we are not moving so far away, but it will still be tough to keep the connections. Some friendships I am not worried about. I know they will always be close friendships. Other friendships had barely begun to blossom or were just being rekindled. It will be hard to keep these friendships growing. I feel sad for the times I didn't make the effort to call people or to get together. It seems you have all the time in the world until you don't. I feel sad that I am too reser

Wow, this past Sabbath School class filled me up with thoughts and ideas. I alreayd wrote a few in my last post. Here is one more. Sometimes, instead of preaching/teaching "theology", I wish the pastors/sabbath school leaders would talk about how to make friends. I think making more than surface level friends is a skill most of us are lacking. We just hang out with family, schoolmates, coworkers...people whom it is easy to form relationships with. Meanwhile we meet people in less comfortable situations and think..."I really wish I could be friends with this person" but do nothing about it because we don't know where to start.

I have been having some interesting real life conversation with people about God, faith, humans and such. I enjoy these more than talking about hobbies, random trivia or gossiping. I wish more people felt comfortable talking about their spiritual beliefs (or lack there of) I feel frustrated by only getting to know people on the surface level. Sometimes lame goofy pointless conversation can be fun, but I also want to get to know people on a deeper level. A lot of people act like you are speaking Ancient Sumerian if you talk to them about anything deep. But I admit I am somtimes afraid of broaching deeper topics with others. I am a people pleaser and I don't want to make others feel uncomfortable. I think growing up in the church gives one an advantage in being about to speak about deeper things, because you grow up being used to it. Of course there are plenty of shallow people in the church too, but Sabbath School, camps, academy and other places give people the opportunity

Just finished listening to Ajahn Brahm again. I really like this guy. He sort of set my priorities straight. I have been pretty fixated on the wrong beliefs of Adventists lately. He really made me realize I need my beliefs to be focused on love, peace, compassion and wisdom and other beliefs (or in my case Anti-beliefs) need to take a second tier. He told a really good story involving a duck or possibly a chicken which explained it all. =) Listen yourself to hear the rest of the story.

The God of the Bible is like a parent of mentally and physically deformed child(SIN NATURE) , who leaves the child in a dirty mental asylum for orphans(EARTH AFTER THE FALL). He tells the child, "I love you but I am going to leave you here. I'll come again to get you when you are old, but only if you keep trusting me. Now you have to spread this Good News to all the other children because they are mine and I am coming to get them too." Except, the children he tells to spread the good news are so mentally ill they can barely feed themselves, let alone spread the Good News to the children God never bothered to speak to. While the children are in the asylum, God doesn't totally abandon them. He writes them letters. Letter that tell them how to live life in the interim. But the letters are sent by way of the Asylum director, who has to translate the letters because they are written in an ancient language that the children can't read. The letters are full of contr

My Hubby recently introduced me to Speaking of Faith a radio program by American Public Media (yeah for Public Radio!) I really like the interviewer, Krista Tippett. A lot of interviewers tend to attack people of faith or ask really clueless questions (ala Terry Gross) or just touch on the hot button issues, but Krista asks questions that are more meaningful and allow the interviewee to really share from their experience. I have listened to The New Monastics and The Buddha in the World (Check out the humerous picture on the website) and both episodes are really good. Enjoy!

I haven't read the Bible for a while now. Now I know some people might say that is my downfall, that if I had just kept reading the Bible I would still be a faithful Christian now. I don't doubt it. I would probably still be a Christian in some sense of the word, more so than I am now anyways. But I wonder, would it just be because I continued to reinforce my childhood conditioning. This may seem unjust, but if I kept up the practices (prayer/Bible reading) and pushed aside doubt when it arose, couldn't I just be brainwashing myself day in and day out. I will probably pick up the Bible again. I do need to know what it has to say, but I need to see it with fresh eyes. I did take a lot of joy from the Bible once. I found so much that was hopeful, joyfull and wonderful. I also found much to torture myself with. I have always had a bit of a guilt complex, and really only since stepping away from the Bible have I gained some rational sense of my own guilt. I don't pl

Another good dharma talk from this guy. I like the sedate pace of his dharma talks because I don't feel I am being emotionally manipulated. I can just listen and consider. Some of the preachers I used to listen to at TBN got so hyped up that they stopped actually saying anything and were just relying on raw energy to motivate the crowds. That is why I was probably most drawn to Joyce Meyer on TBN because of her straight forward and practical way of speaking. No Paula White style fits of ecstasy there. I think overly emotional and charasmatic presentations get people to focus on the the teacher rather than the message.

Here is a post I started awhile a couple months ago and just now finished...thought it might explain my predicament more fully. Do you have to be an intellectual person to be saved? The more I read and learn about spirituality the more complicated it seems. The answers which I once believed seem foolish and childish. Some would say that we need to be "fools" for Christ. That it is better to accept things like a child. Plenty of people are willing to do this. They hold onto beliefs that seem to contradict modern thought and knowledge. Some have looked into modern thinking and keep holding onto their beliefs. Some refuse to even acknowledge that there is another way then what they already believe. Some are simply so immersed in their culture of belief that they are not aware of any other way. Here is where I see the big problem. These people who, for what ever reason, hold onto to these "foolish" beliefs don't all believe the same thing. They are people

Today's Sabbath School class was taught by the ever effervescent LeClaire Litchfeild...also known as "Litch" We talked about the differences between Joy and Happiness (a subject also discussed in the C.S. Lewis book Surprised by Joy ) Well with Litch's charming personality, the goodwill that is normally at hand in that Sabbath school class, and the positive and moving subject matter, I could not help but feel a tugging at the heart strings. I felt moved to abandon my skepticism and doubts and to throw myself at the feet of Jesus, so that I might experience that joy which transcends circumstance. And indeed if the Gospel according to Litch was all there was I would simply and happily convert myself back to a full fledged SDA... But then... Is Litch joyful because he has discovered God, or is Litch joyful because he has discovered joy, using Christianity as a vehicle. Does one have to be a Christian to experience Joy in it's fullest.

I recently watched the documentary " The Most Hated Family in America " by the Amazing Louis Theroux. (He has many more documentaries available to watch on Google Video-Watch them!) The views of the Phelps family are deplorable to most people, yet some of their behaviors remind me of "saner" groups of Christians. They seemed unable to recognize their own cherry picking of scriptures to support their beliefs. They stayed within their own insular group and kept "outsiders" at bay. The felt getting the TRUTH out was more important that respecting others as people. There were a few other things that seemed creepily familiar to me but I will have to watch the documentary again to remember. My main thoughts though were worry for the brainwashed children of this cult...except that they seemed happy and secure in their delusions, not insecure and miserable like I am with my little slices of truth. At the same time I wanted to shout to them...but there is so much

I think I am using my new interest in Buddhism/Humanism/Whateverism as a sort of re-bound boyfriend. I wonder if I can make the ex-boyfriend. (Adventism/God/Jesus) jealous so he will fight to get me back. So far the ex hasn't put up much of a fight. I haven't stopped going to church. I try and make it to my hubby's Sabbath school when I can. (still helping out in Kindergarten II despite feeling like a total hypocrite sometimes...but they need the help, even if it's from an sort of agnostic, Buddhism leaning, Jesus loving/distrusting, mixed-up girl like me. I mean, some one has to help the kids glue those crafts together. The faithful are not volunteering in droves) I have listened to some Christian sermons and prayed occasionally but most of what I learn and hear reaffirms my drifting away. Sermons that are meant to bolster the faith just leave me suspicious of Christian pressure tactics. Still I know I haven't given Christianity a fair shake yet. I think the

As with most things in life, I've had a hard time consistantly writing in this blog. I have been doing a lot of thinking, but not recording my thoughts like I intended to. I think I am just going to give a run down on the high/low points and hopefully expand on a few of them later. I finished reading The Way of the Pilgrim an interesting little book about a Russian pilgrim and his experience with the practice of unceasing prayer. This book was given to me as part of a set. The other two books were by D.J. Salinger. Both Salinger books were about the fictional Glass family. (a very confused and confusing fictional family) In the book I read first, Franny and Zooey, the character Franny has read The Way of the Pilgrim and it has a profound effect on her which drives the rest of the story. I'll try and do a longer post of these books later. My husband and I went to an meeting at Bridge Refugee Services , turned in our paperwork and will hopefully being doing some ESL teachi

I really been feeling the need to get reinvolved in the community here. In the past I have volunteered at the Chambliss Shelter, and I still to some work with the Kindergarten class but I have been pretty self absorbed lately. We were going to try and start up our little Bible Study that we had for so many years but recently kinda dropped, but I have been sick the last two Friday nights. This weekend however provided to great oppurtunites for Will and I. On Saturday our friend invited us to a meeting of the Adventist Peace Fellowship We are going to attend their future events and see where we can get involved. Today, we went to see the film God Grew Tired of Us . This film followed some of the Lost Boys of Sudan who came to America as refugees. Afterwards we attended a reception where we meet some of the refugees and learned about the refugee support program here in Chattanooga. We spoke to the volunteer coordinator and will hopefully be helping out soon. No matter where I land t

Growing up Adventist I got the impression you were not supposed to look into other religions too deeply, lest you put yourself at risk for "falling away." One highschool Bible study teacher went so far as to say that he never sought widsom anywhere except for the Bible and EGW. Well that is all fine and dandy if our faith is the "correct" one. But what if someone grows up Muslim. They may, depending on their circumstances (I know not all Muslims have a conservative upbringing), have even harsher restrictions placed upon them to keep them from learning about other faiths. How can we expect them to come to our "precious truth" when we warn our own against looking into other religions. I just don't see how anyone is supposed to know anything for certain unless they are willing to look outside of what they have always been taught... BUT THEN... There are SOOOOOOO many different religions, philosophies, ideas, etc to look into it seems their is no realist

I was helping out in Kindergarten Sabbath School today. The teacher was telling the story of Zacchaeus, the tax collector. It occurred to me what a unique lesson is found in Zacchaeus. I think most of us can accept that we need to love the lame, the poor, the blind, and the needy. It's not that hard to have sympathy for them. However it's much harder for us to love the greedy "tax collectors" of this world. Loving people who purposefully cheat us and who cause injustice seems nearly impossible. So I started thinking, "What if I view people's vices as another form of disability or poverty?" I guess that is the way Jesus saw the greed of Zacchaeus. I mean you wouldn't get angry at a blind person for not being able to see. Is is possible to view the hate, injustice, greed, wickedness etc we see in others in the same light as physical or material disadvantages. I know when I tried to give up actively hating George Bush it was pretty dang hard.

So I discovered something which I probably should have known...My stick-to-itivesness is lacking no matter what faith I try to practice. After several nights of meditation I just sort of stopped for no apparent reason. I also stopped reading and researching Buddhism and writing in this blog. So apparently my lack of determination isn't limited to my practice of Christianity. I suppose I should have known this...but I held out hope that it was God's fault, not mine, for not endowing me with the ability to prayer regularily and have devotions. This way I could avoid the blame for my spiritual failings. Now I see that my failures are clearly my own fault...but also that I have the power to change this. I don't have to wait around for God to bless me with desire. I just have to pick up and try again when I fail. I can use this knowledge no matter what faith I decide to practice.

So I just made it through a 15 minute Mindfullness of Breathing mediation. Just when I was about to break down and check how long I had been meditating the timer I'd set went off and I was SO HAPPY! Proud of myself for making it and glad to be done with it. I do plan on waking up tomorrow morning and doing it all over again. I am not sure if it will get easier or harder. I am glad for anything that improves my self discipline though. Yes, somtimes I like claim that all my problems come from fear...but that is not true. A good portion of my problems are from lack of self discipline and abiltiy to see things through. I think mediation is going to help me with this. Why look, after just 15 mintues of meditation I am actually finishing a blog entry. You have no idea how many I start or just think of but never see through to completion. Well off to try and use my new powers of self discipline on the dishes. Bye for now.

I heard it said...somewhere...I don't remember where, that a big mistake people make when comparing their own religion to another religion is that they compare the best of their religion with the worst of the other religion. To be truly fair one should compare best with best and worst with worst. I am sort of doing the opposite with my study of Buddhism. Christian, SDA is my religious background, but I tend towards comparing SDA's worst with Buddhisms best. This is probably because I haven't been giving my own faith background a fair shake. I am not really bitter against my background. I have had mainly positive experiences in the church, but I see a lot of things lacking and I see a lot of teachings which haven't been backed up properly by church authorities. Although I love SDA people I have become pretty disillusioned with their way of presenting the "TRUTH" and find it very shallow. So when I study Buddhism, I tend to compare it to shallow SDA pre

I think I am still a practicing Christian. I pray, and go to church and even volunteer at my church. I am even speaking for an adult Sabbath School class next week...but am I am believing Christian? That is what I am still trying to figure out. I am also practicing a couple of elements of Buddhism right now. These are things that harmonize pretty well with the Christian faith. You might even be able to find counterparts within Christianity but I got the ideas from my studies of Buddhism. Maybe it takes a different perspective before you can really grasp onto something. The way the Buddhists explained things just made more sense, even though I probably could have gotten the same basic ideas from Christianity. Anyways...event though I am practicing elements of Buddhism I am not a believer in Buddhism. For me all belief is really up in the air. I am not sure what think is true and what to put my faith in. I continue to practice though, because I continue to hope that the answers

So on the external view, here is what my religious life looks like... Raised by not very conservative, yet practicing, Seventh-day Adventist parents Baptized into the SDA church at a young age Attended SDA Highschool and College Missionary for 1 year in Korea with SDA Language Institute Worked at Trinity Broadcasting Network for 2 year...influenced somewhat by that perspective Currently teaching at a Jewish Pre-School...enjoying the rituals of Shabbat but haven't studied much Jewish thought Still attending SDA Church...and teaching from time to time in a Kindergarten Sabbath School, after being the main leader for a couple of years and now studying Buddhism... Makes sense doesn't it? No? I don't entirely understand it either. But as I said that was just an external overview of my religious life. It's a little harder to mine the real reasons for my beliefs, or lack there of...

Want to join a religion? Why it's as easy as ABC! Allah...Buddha...Christ...ABC! hmmm...I think I could waste a good few hours coming up with a religious alphabet. This will not be one of my deepest posts...but here I go. I am going to try and come up with the words on my own. No wikipedia or beliefnet for me. A llah B uddha C hrist D harma, D ogma E llen White, E vangelical F aith G uru H indu I saiah J ainism, J esus, J ehovah, J ew K harma L ord, L eviticus, L amentations M editation, M ass N irvana, N un O mnipotent P rayer, P ope Q uakers R eligion, R astifarian S alvation T rinity U nitarian U niversalist V enerable, V ision W inter Solstice, W eslyan X odohtro (ok this is Orthodo x backward but I can't think of an X ) Y aweh Z orastrian

I chose the title "Fearless Wonder" because that is what i dream of becoming. Fear is what is keeping me from all the wonderful things I think of doing. Yes, I realize that "The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom." ...but that is just the beginning. Perfect love casts out fear after all. I have spent a lot of my life fearing what God will do to me if I don't act right. Not that this fear has ever gotten me to act right for long though. I only started acting "right" when I started really loving myself and others. Right now, as look at various spiritual paths I could take, my main thought is "How could this help me be free from fear. How could this help me live in love." I don't know the answers yet, but I am hoping.

So far it seems the main difference between Buddhism and Christianity is Buddhism says "You can." Christianity says "You can't...without God." Many of the practices and moral behaviors are the same.