I have the tendency to want to start off my posts with an apology for not having posted in awhile...but I am not going to do that. No apology what so ever. If you think I am a mean heartless witch for not considering your feelings...so what. I don't care. Get over it.
(This is me learning not to feel overly guilty about everything. But already I feel guilty for telling you to "Get over it". Ahhh, but I won't say I am sorry. You can just deal with it. )

Anyways...

I have had a lot I wanted to write about. A lot I have even tried to write about. I have sat down and begun countless blog posts but never finished them.

Why...Because I am so uncertain about everything, and even as I write I change my mind, and realize I have multiple views on certain subjects. I feel like if I commit my thoughts to type, then I will be saying things I really don't mean, believe or understand. I give very little importance to my own opinion these days. I am sympathetic to a variety of conflicting viewpoints.

And I feel lost...lost without a map.

But I know what I should be doing while lost, and I am doing it, though with great imperfection. I am looking for ways to love, care, connect and help others. I am practicing being at peace with myself, so I can be peace in the world.

So do I need to worry if I have the theology all figured out. Will God punish me in the end because I thought that maybe you don't have to be Christian to be saved(whatever that means). And with Buddhism I have a few lifetimes to figure everything out anyways.

I guess my worries stem from the Adventist imperative to "have the TRUTH." We always talk about the dangers of being deceived on matters of doctrine. (Did I just say "We" in that last sentece. I guess I must still be Adventist) So I am terrified that all my searching is just the devil leading me away from the TRUTH and down that slippery slope towards hell. Then why am I improving so much as a human being? Why am I able to deal with myself and other in such a more loving way. Not perfect. No where near perfect...but better. It is just maturity? I am almost thirty now . Or has the devil just let me be at peace now that he's got me doubting Christ.

And if I do go another way, will I ever get rid of the guilt I have been conditioned to feel. If I take refuge some day(i.e. become Buddhist) will I hear the voice of Jesus weeping silently in my mind as I recite the three Jewels.

And will it really be Jesus, or just my Adventist conditioning flaring up.

Comments

laurettabear said…
It's good to hear from you again. Why is it that in life there is this great struggle for truth? It comes in different shapes and sizes for different people. Yet, once we hit this age somewhere between our teenage years and middle adulthood, it strikes! Where are we supposed to be going in life? What is true? How does everything fit together? Where do we fit in? Yet I can't get over the fact that there must be answers...I just wish I could find them.
October 27, 2007 at 4:04 AM
h2ovapor said…
John 18:37 Pilate therefore said unto him, Art thou a king then? Jesus answered, Thou sayest that I am a king. To this end was I born, and for this cause came I into the world, that I should bear witness unto the truth. Every one that is of the truth heareth my voice.
John 18:38 Pilate saith unto him, What is truth? And when he had said this, he went out again unto the Jews, and saith unto them, I find in him no fault at all.

Hi Ann. These verses came to mind when I read your post. Could I get your mailing address? I have something I'd like to send you. It's a TV series called Celebrating Life in Recovery, with Cheri Peters. If you don't mind I'll just make you a copy of my set. It's a little over $50 for the series. Anyway, you could e-mail me: aliliab at gmail.

I couldn't resist these ones too:

Joh 14:5 Thomas saith unto him, Lord, we know not whither thou goest; and how can we know the way?
John 14:6a Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life...

If I recall correctly, in the beginning, those who followed Jesus weren't called Christians, but rather "People of the Way"

Anyway, food for thought.

Love you Ann. Hope you find what you're searching for...
October 27, 2007 at 6:09 AM
Anonymous said…
This comment has been removed by the author.
October 28, 2007 at 1:36 PM
Anonymous said…
I believe that God holds people responsible for only living up to the light that they have. I think we do our best and God does the rest.
October 28, 2007 at 1:37 PM
Anonymous said…
I am not trying to push religion on you but if you are interested you might want to check out one of these seminars. This may or may not help but it is worth a try.

http://searchseminars.org/html/home_flash.htm
October 28, 2007 at 3:04 PM
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