Sufferings, and other such Silliness.

Ajahn Brahm says (big paraphrase here) that when you are single, always wishing for a mate, never happy to be alone, you have singles suffering. Then when you finally meet the love of your life, and getting married, well then, then you have married suffering.

I have been disappointed with myself for sometime now. You see I used to be smart. I used to be the one who was going to be someone. I had amazing grades in school. I was a great, writer, poet, loved acting, pretty good at art and just destined...destined to be something amazing by 25... right? Well here I am at 29 working in childcare. (like my mother...the horror) I'm don't even have my own classroom like I did in Chattanooga. Thanks to the annoying Georgia residency requirements I won't be able to afford to start my Master's degree until May 2009. A lot of my friends are busy professionals doing what they went to school for. Some of my friends are really starting to "make it" But me, I am just waiting, waiting to be something.

I have this dream to get my Masters in Education, because I like it working with kids and I know handle a teaching job. But I have all these left over dreams of being an ARTIST. So I am having a hard time being happy where I am now. I have this kind of in-between suffering. I suffer because I failed to live up to my potential and I suffer because I have to wait to start my new dream.

I get myself twisted up into horrible knots envying my successful friends. I beat myself down for my failures. I create so much suffering for myself, because of what could have been, and what isn't yet.

But if I had "made" it, then what? And when I do get my Master, then what? Oh, think of the ways I could have and may still yet suffer. Being a working artists/writer/actress would have left with with endless possibilities for suffering. It's part of the job description, I think. And if I do get my Masters and start teaching in the public school system I will be under SOOOOO much more pressure than I am at my current childcare center. Oh, then I will wish I could just be a housewife.

Learning to be a peace in the now is my great challenge. If I can't be at peace now, I can never be at peace. Even when conditions are "perfect" the human mind still finds a way to create suffering. I breath in and out. I practice mindfulness. I look for the beauty in the moment. I count my blessing and I try to let go. I try to let go of the regret. I try to let go of my worries for tomorrow.

I think I have paraphrased this Bible text before, but I'll do it again here. Matthew 6:34
Therefore do not live for the joy of tomorrow, for tomorrow you will experience it. Each day has enough joy of its own.

Comments

Anonymous said…
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November 13, 2007 at 6:23 PM
Anonymous said…
What you said about learning to be happy with what you have now was wise. I might seem like one of those friends who always talks about how successful I am. But I just do that because people told me I was a loser and would never amount to anything. If feel like I have to prove them wrong. There are many ways to define success. Try to find out what you and no one else really want for your life. Define yourself by who you are not by your profession. If you are not so busy climbing the ladder or success then you will have time to do all the things the busy people envy. I had to make a decision whether to go get a second degree at grad school or not. I felt pressure to go right now because of my age and the fear that if I don’t go to school while I am still “young” then I will never find a husband. But I realized that I wanted to get a job for a while and do some of the things I have never had time to do while in school, like learning to play the keyboard. I always thought I would get married by 25 and now that I am 26 with no prospects, so what’s a few more years? I decided to forget the set plan but keep my dreams. Trust me none of us have it all figured out.
November 13, 2007 at 6:28 PM
Anonymous said…
Thank You Ann
November 24, 2007 at 12:24 PM
The Absent-minded Chemist said…
I find it interesting that you, with a husband and one degree, are unhappy where you are at. I too am unhappy where I am at, but it is because of things that you posess. I am 26, and I still haven't finished my bachelor's degree, no mate (or even any prospects for such), and I find myself highly doubting my ability to be successful in graduate school. I guess it just goes to show that no matter where one is at, that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.
December 1, 2007 at 2:57 PM
Ann said…
hey Josh,

It's always tough to be happy where we are. We imagine that some "future" ideal will make us happy. I am slowly learning that nothing can make me "happy" or "unhappy" I can only find peace of mind in accepting things as they are.
December 2, 2007 at 5:53 AM
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