You Yourself Must Strive

"You yourself must strive. The Buddhas only point the way."
I have been thinking about this lately. At times I have tried to use Buddhism in the same way I used Christianity. I was expecting a miracle without effort. I need to remember that this is a practice. You practice to improve. The other night I had insomnia and was listening to a Thich Nhat Han audiobook to relax. My husband came in an accidentally knocked into something. The insomnia brain instantly charged up again and the worry and anxiety started rolling. I also became incredibly angry. I was also a little mad at Thich Nhat Han. Grrrr! Why didn't his magical monk voice stop me from getting angry?

Also, there have been a couple of times, after meditating where I have had panic attacks. Why didn't the magical meditations stop the panic attacks.
Usually if I am calm before I meditate I don't have a panic attack afterwards, however sometimes I would experience anxiety and meditate to make it go away. In doing that I was forgetting that a big part of meditation is dealing with those strong emotions. Buddhism isn't about suppression of emotions and thoughts. It is about acknowledging them, accepting them, caring tenderly for them and letting them go when they are ready. I was trying to use meditation to mask the issues or force them out.

I started avoiding meditation because I feared it was causing these emotions. Now when I think about it, meditation can be a safe place to let these emotions come up. Then you can lovingly and caringly deal with them. I have used meditation as a way to care for myself before. I guess the perfectionist side of me and superstitious side of me wanted me to be free of all bad emotions. But that is not realisitc.

Comments

Rob Mosher said…
Ann, I often treated Christianity the same way, though I realize that is far from the case and far from Biblical. After all, why would Paul talk about doing the things he doesn't want to do, and not the things he does if he instantly overcame everything?

I wonder where that idea originated. I think perhaps it is the way I wanted it to be. Just take away all those problems and be perfect. Though I'm now realizing it is much better to grow. To actually develop character rather than be replaced by a perfect person.

I'm curious how "tenderly caring" for the thoughts has worked for you. For me if I dwell on something, that's usually the point of failure. Either giving into the emotion or focusing on its unwelcome presence doesn't lead anywhere good. Instead I've found I need to choose what to do. In the moment I see the problem, say a prayer, and choose not to be angry, depressed, or whatever.
January 10, 2010 at 4:04 PM
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