The Mad Scientist versus the Haters (who gonna hate)
One of the most important sayings of wisdom in our modern era is the phrase, "Haters gonna hate." These three seemingly simple words have given me perspective over and over again in many tricky situations. What others thought and felt about me was once a primary motivator in my life, and while I still struggle with this from time to time, it no longer rules me in the way it once did. I used to think that if I could time my actions and responses just right I could make someone stop hating or judging me or make them happy and that would make me a good, love-worthy person.
I have come to see that trying to make haters stop hating, and judges stop judging, and to make others happy is never about me trying to be a good person. It's really me trying to practice mind control. I want to change the thoughts of another person, to control their brain, as if I am some sort of mad sciencist from a bad B movie. Once I saw how ridiculous and impossible my little mind control games were I had an easier time letting go. Sometimes I even envision myself in a B movie villian costume shooting out mind control rays from a control-o-matic machine so that I can smile and laugh at myself for such silly behavior.
People's thoughts and actions are within their control, not yours or mine. If someone is a truly good person they have already forgiven you any slights against them, and have let go of any judgements they had about you. But it is not in your power to make them do it. The ones who want to judge will keep judging and the ones who want to dissaprove will keep dissaproving. Haters gonna hate. It's an inevitable fact of life, like the rising and setting of the sun.
Any good you do towards others should come from the graciousness and tenderness you cultivate within yourself, not from a desire to control others so they won't think poorly of you.
You cannot give others anything unless you first develop it within yourself. You must first give yourself grace, forgiveness, tenderness and love. Only then can you offer it to others. Even if you have developed this grace within yourself, people will still judge you, misunderstand you, hate you, gossip about your and dissaprove of your choices. But that is on them. It's not on you.
Sometimes it's the silent judgements we fear the most. If a person is actively making your life miserable it's easier to externalize that and see that behavior as a reflection of their character, not yours. But it's hate, dissaproval, dissapointment and disgust we cannot see, and in fact are imagining the other person is feeling, that we let worry and stress us. Not only do we try to practice mind control, but we try to become mind readers as well. Our B-Movie mad scientist has become all the more ridiculous. She has now invented the psychic-control-o-matic machine. We obsessivley imagine all the judgements against us and let them seep into our souls. Maybe the other person didn't smile at you because they didn't get enough coffee in the morning, but we, being all powerful mind readers, think we know better. We think they didn't smile because they are rightfully judging us for something inherintly wrong with the very core of our being. We need to show tenderness to ourselves and smile and laugh that our silly B movie mad scientist has come out once again. In these situations I like to imagine myself giving that wild eyed scientist a pat on the head, then sending her away.
Not only do we think that we have psychic and mind control powers, we imagine others have such powers too. We think their thoughts can somehow leap out of their heads and shoot us with lazer beams of hate, shame, disgust and self-doubt. We need to recognize that these miserable feelings are coming from within us. We are cultivating them. We need to give ourself a mental (and sometimes physical) hug in those moments. Instead of submitting to or fighting against these imaginary lazer beams of hate, we need to focus on cultivating kindess, love and tenderness with us, and to start by giving those wonderful things to ourselves.
One thing I do when I find myself worrying about what someone else thinks, (and I use this for worries in general) is that I try to imagine the worst possible outcome, what I fear the most and I try to accept it and make peace with it. I offer myself peace, love, grace, compassion and acceptance for the present moment and for the moment I most fear. I am not fighting against or submitting to the imagined bad thoughts of others, but rather acknowledging my lack of control, accepting that and choosing to move forward in love.
This is all still a work in progress for me, but it has dramatically lessened the amount of time I spead worrying about what others seek and has strengthed my ability to be kind and compassion to others. The haters who gonna hate do need love and compassion, but they don't need my attempts at psychic mind control.
I have come to see that trying to make haters stop hating, and judges stop judging, and to make others happy is never about me trying to be a good person. It's really me trying to practice mind control. I want to change the thoughts of another person, to control their brain, as if I am some sort of mad sciencist from a bad B movie. Once I saw how ridiculous and impossible my little mind control games were I had an easier time letting go. Sometimes I even envision myself in a B movie villian costume shooting out mind control rays from a control-o-matic machine so that I can smile and laugh at myself for such silly behavior.
People's thoughts and actions are within their control, not yours or mine. If someone is a truly good person they have already forgiven you any slights against them, and have let go of any judgements they had about you. But it is not in your power to make them do it. The ones who want to judge will keep judging and the ones who want to dissaprove will keep dissaproving. Haters gonna hate. It's an inevitable fact of life, like the rising and setting of the sun.
Any good you do towards others should come from the graciousness and tenderness you cultivate within yourself, not from a desire to control others so they won't think poorly of you.
You cannot give others anything unless you first develop it within yourself. You must first give yourself grace, forgiveness, tenderness and love. Only then can you offer it to others. Even if you have developed this grace within yourself, people will still judge you, misunderstand you, hate you, gossip about your and dissaprove of your choices. But that is on them. It's not on you.
Sometimes it's the silent judgements we fear the most. If a person is actively making your life miserable it's easier to externalize that and see that behavior as a reflection of their character, not yours. But it's hate, dissaproval, dissapointment and disgust we cannot see, and in fact are imagining the other person is feeling, that we let worry and stress us. Not only do we try to practice mind control, but we try to become mind readers as well. Our B-Movie mad scientist has become all the more ridiculous. She has now invented the psychic-control-o-matic machine. We obsessivley imagine all the judgements against us and let them seep into our souls. Maybe the other person didn't smile at you because they didn't get enough coffee in the morning, but we, being all powerful mind readers, think we know better. We think they didn't smile because they are rightfully judging us for something inherintly wrong with the very core of our being. We need to show tenderness to ourselves and smile and laugh that our silly B movie mad scientist has come out once again. In these situations I like to imagine myself giving that wild eyed scientist a pat on the head, then sending her away.
Not only do we think that we have psychic and mind control powers, we imagine others have such powers too. We think their thoughts can somehow leap out of their heads and shoot us with lazer beams of hate, shame, disgust and self-doubt. We need to recognize that these miserable feelings are coming from within us. We are cultivating them. We need to give ourself a mental (and sometimes physical) hug in those moments. Instead of submitting to or fighting against these imaginary lazer beams of hate, we need to focus on cultivating kindess, love and tenderness with us, and to start by giving those wonderful things to ourselves.
One thing I do when I find myself worrying about what someone else thinks, (and I use this for worries in general) is that I try to imagine the worst possible outcome, what I fear the most and I try to accept it and make peace with it. I offer myself peace, love, grace, compassion and acceptance for the present moment and for the moment I most fear. I am not fighting against or submitting to the imagined bad thoughts of others, but rather acknowledging my lack of control, accepting that and choosing to move forward in love.
This is all still a work in progress for me, but it has dramatically lessened the amount of time I spead worrying about what others seek and has strengthed my ability to be kind and compassion to others. The haters who gonna hate do need love and compassion, but they don't need my attempts at psychic mind control.
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